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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070763">"You, whom my soul loves"</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firewalkwithme133/pseuds/Firewalkwithme133'>Firewalkwithme133</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ben Solo Has Issues, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Catholicism, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Divorce, F/M, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Jealous Ben Solo, Jealous Kaydel Connix, Jealous Rey (Star Wars), Marriage Proposal, Mental Health Issues, New Beginnings, Parents Han and Leia, Post-Divorce, Pregnancy, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo babies, Single mom Rey, Teacher Rey (Star Wars), Wedding Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:02:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>36,036</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070763</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firewalkwithme133/pseuds/Firewalkwithme133</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Recently divorced, Ben Solo reluctantly moves in with his parents to pick up the pieces of his broken heart. His mother drags him to the local church, where he meets Rey Niima and finds the love he didn't know he was searching for.</p><p>*Note: I may add more tags as I progress.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaydel Ko Connix/Armitage Hux, Kaydel Ko Connix/Ben Solo, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey/Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>137</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Ijustfellintothissendhelp</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gtr4evr/gifts">Gtr4evr</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Ben Solo was certain this was the absolute last place he wanted to be. </p><p>It was the first time in fourteen years that he'd sat in his parents' driveway, and he had sworn to himself he would never come back.</p><p>Now, just like old times, he was stuck in the back of their car, listening to them bicker about why it had taken them so long to get home because Leia had taken the wrong exit off the freeway. They moved to go into the house, but he just sat there. </p><p>He had the most perfect life. </p><p>But that was before his marriage came crashing down around him. </p><p>*****</p><p>Kaydel Connix was a sweet girl. After meeting her in the cafeteria of their high school, both sophomores, they became inseparable. </p><p>Their compatibility was off the charts, their friends always saying things like they were "made for each other" and "destiny brought them together."  Honestly Ben agreed with them. They liked all of the same bands, same movies, same books. They never had to argue about what to do on a Friday night because they always went to their favorite restaurant. His parents loved her, her parents loved him. </p><p>So naturally going to the same college was a given - as well as getting the same degree in finance. Ben wasn't necessarily thrilled about crunching numbers, but he liked the security of his job. It paid for a nice luxury apartment. And with Kaydel's large salary combined with his, they were unstoppable: dining at the most exclusive five-star restaurants in the city. Kaydel's closet was brimming over with designer clothes, shoes, and handbags - their apartment filled with the most modern furniture, light fixtures, and appliances. </p><p>He was happy - settled - content. And he thought she was too.</p><p>That was until he found it. </p><p>Kaydel Connix - Connix because she didn't want to take his last name, being the ultimate modern woman - had just left to go out with some of her girlfriends for a night on the town. In the process of switching coats, a small piece of paper had fallen out of one of her pockets. </p><p>Ben was a stickler for cleanliness. So when he saw it, he went to toss it into the trash, but before doing so noticed the writing bleeding through the paper.</p><p>Opening the card he heard the death knell of his marriage:<br/><br/><em>"To my darling K: you are the light of my life, my only love, now and forever. xoxo."</em></p><p>The first thing he should have done was scream. He should have picked up the heaviest thing he could find and thrown it through a window. He should have yanked all her clothing out of the closets, dumped all of her expensive jewelry all over the floor. But for some reason - he just...</p><p>Laughed. </p><p>Bent over, hands on his knees, Ben Solo laughed so hard that his eyes began to water. </p><p>Seriously? Surely this was some kind of joke. No way would Kaydel ever cheat on him. </p><p>Would she? </p><p>This was preposterous. Utter nonsense. This would all be cleared up in no time. All he had to do was ask her about it when she got home. He needed to trust her. They had been together for years. They knew each other in every way. She would never do this to him. He still loved her. </p><p>*****</p><p>The night drug on. He changed into a t-shirt and shorts and settled in to finish up some work left over from the previous day. Laptop in hand with a glass of whiskey on the coffee table, he fell into a rhythm. Before he knew it, four hours had gone by, and his wife was giggling and stumbling into the apartment.</p><p>Rising up to meet her, he had almost forgotten about the card he found. But then she hung up her coat, and it brought him back to reality.</p><p>She threw her arms around his neck and gave him a quick kiss: "Hi baby. How are you?"</p><p>He gently pulled her hands down from where they had clasped around his neck. </p><p>Noticing his frown she smirked. "What's gotten into you Benji? Don't tell me you haven't missed me." She rose up on her toes and tried to kiss him again, but he waved her away. </p><p>He reached down and pulled the card out of his pocket, holding it up in front of her face: "What is this?"</p><p>That sobered her up. </p><p>Her eyes were as wide as saucers, her breathing picking up the pace. "It's nothing. Just a card I got from a coworker."</p><p>When he didn't respond, she continued. "You see it's a little inside joke that Jannah and I have. You know, the whole 'work-wife' thing." </p><p>Staring into the wall behind her he could see their wedding photo, as he turned her words over in his head. She could be telling the truth. It could be some stupid inside joke she had with one of her female co-workers. That kind of thing wasn't unheard of these days. </p><p>But his gut told him that this was not it. His gut and the shameful look on her face. </p><p>That's when he finally lost it. With a great scream he pushed her aside, heading for the wedding photo on the wall. He yanked it off, and smashed it onto the floor by her feet. </p><p>With red eyes he looked at the pitiful look on her face and was livid. How dare she look like that? Could she at least have the common courtesy of being a jerk? Telling him that he's an asshole? That he deserved it? </p><p>All she did though was cry, and he just couldn't take it: "Why?! Why, Kay?! Why did you do this?!"</p><p>Wiping her eyes she said, "I don't know Ben. I don't know."</p><p>He scoffed, "Well you better fucking figure it out because I want to know right now: Why?!"</p><p>She shrugged, holding herself: "I just...I was just bored okay? Nothing is happening in this marriage. We get up, we go to work, we come home...and nothing changes. It's the same thing over and over. We have nothing to look forward to, no goals to reach. It's not like when we were in high school Ben. We've reached the finish line. But I'm not done reaching. I want to live for more. For other things. And when I ran into Armitage..."</p><p>Disbelief flooded his brain. </p><p>Armitage Hux was his closest friend and confidant. They had all gone to high school together, the best of friends. They did everything: Homecoming dances, football games, prom. Hux even worked with Ben. When his incompetent Head of Treasury left without a two-weeks notice, Hux was the first person he thought of for the job. And Armitage came immediately. Because that's what best friends always did. And that's what they were: for years. </p><p>Now he remembered the words on the card linking them in his head with his former best friend, and sunk into a pool of grief on the floor.</p><p>"How could you?! How could you both?!"</p><p>She knelt down, hands grabbing for his cheeks, but he wouldn't have it.</p><p>"Ben I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me."</p><p>He gave an incredulous laugh. "Forgive you? You want me to forgive you? Already?" He stood up on wobbly legs: "Fuck you Kay. I'm out of here."</p><p>Leaving her standing there with mascara running down her face, he slammed the door. </p><p>*****</p><p>A year later he found himself sitting in his parents' car, avoiding the inevitable. </p><p>What a strange few months, he pondered to himself. </p><p>Never having considered himself what he would call a "crazy person," he was shocked to find that in fact, he was. </p><p>After six months of legal battles with his wife, and copious amounts of whiskey, he lost his ability to live. He couldn't get out of bed. He just couldn't. No matter how disgusting his apartment got, no matter how disgusting <em>he</em> got, he could not function. </p><p>One night after four whiskeys he couldn't take it anymore. He had lost everything. He thought they would be together for the rest of their lives. Soulmates. Wasn't that what they were? Didn't everyone say that? What had happened to him? How did his life get turned so upside-down?</p><p>Tears rolling down his face, he finally decided to end it all. What else was there anyway? After losing your soulmate you're not good for anyone else. </p><p>*****</p><p>His parents came to pick him up from the hospital. </p><p>It was his housekeeper that found him. At that point he found he could handle skipping a few showers, but not the stack of pizza boxes lining up on his counter, which lead to him finally hiring a cleaning service. </p><p>Paramedics were called immediately, and after his recovery he was checked into the psychiatric wing of the hospital. It was decided by the head psychiatrist that they would only let him go if they knew he was living with someone else for his own safety. </p><p>Which is how he found himself sitting in his parents' driveway.</p><p>A sharp knocking roused him from his catatonic state.</p><p>His mother. </p><p>He stepped out of the car. </p><p>Noticing the sad look in his mother's eyes he couldn't help but feel guilty. Though they had parted on less than civil terms all those years ago, she was still his mother, and he hated that he put her in this position. Maybe it was the new drugs in his system. Maybe it was the weight of his new-found loneliness. Or just the fact that he missed her. Without saying a word, he bent down and hugged her. </p><p>His sadness took form and fell in heavy drops down from his cheeks and onto her small shoulders. Her perfume was just as he remembered as a little boy. When she pulled him in closer, his shoulders began to shake. </p><p>"My dear boy." She rubbed her hands up and down his back. "It's going to be just fine. Just fine. We'll figure it out." </p><p>After what felt like an eternity, he finally dislodged himself and wiped his nose, following her inside. </p><p>Upon entering he was pummeled with all the old familiar smells: his father's cigars, his mother's fresh flowers (likely brought in <em>because</em> of his cigars), the old leather couches his Dad refused to toss, and the family dog Chewie, who had passed away several years back.</p><p>And unfortunately in every room he entered he saw his ex-wife: Sunday dinners, hours of late night homework sessions, countless Christmases and Thanksgivings - for some reason he hadn't expected to see <em>these</em> memories too. </p><p>It was more than he could take. </p><p>"Here kid." A glass of whiskey was thrust into his hand. </p><p>Leia rolled her eyes. "Honestly! Han he just got out of the hospital. He's not supposed to be drinking anyway. That's part of the reason he got into this mess in the first place."</p><p>Han walked Ben over to the couch and they sunk down into the cushions. "Princess he's right where he needs to be. He's going to be just fine. Quit hovering and go make dinner. We're starving."</p><p>At that Ben had to laugh. He had missed this. The incessant arguing between his two combative parents often worried him as a child, but now it felt like home. </p><p>And he needed a home now more than ever. </p><p>*****</p><p>An hour later found them sitting around the table in front of an empty tray of lasagna and a half-eaten chocolate cake. </p><p>As always, his mother could be counted upon to take charge: "What's the plan son?"</p><p>He sunk a bit further down into his seat. "I don't know Mom. All I can tell you is that I can't go back to work. Not right now. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Will they be okay with that?"</p><p>He let out a sarcastic laugh. "No, but I honestly don't give a shit. I can hardly make it through the next five minutes ahead of me, let alone spend eight hours adding up numbers. Oh yeah, in the same building as my ex-wife's fiance. Can't forget that." At that he downed his glass of whiskey.</p><p>"You're never going to get better sitting in this house all day drinking. You might as well be back in your apartment."</p><p>"Well mother, what exactly do you want me to do?"</p><p>Sensing an impending argument, his father intervened: "Leia do we have to do this right now? He just got out. Give him a minute to breathe."</p><p>For a moment it looked as if she would continue, but noticing the blank look on her son's face, she decided to let it go. For now. </p><p>*****</p><p>He was exhausted. From coming home from the hospital to having his mother interrogate him, he had had it. He collapsed onto his childhood bed and passed out. And that was his plan going forward. He was ready to drink himself to death every day if it got him through it. He was tempted to text his ex-wife to get another insult in (as had become his habit before being checked into the hospital), but he thought better of it. </p><p>Screw her. What was she? Just some sort of carbon-copy of him - with all of the same tastes in everything. How droll. He had basically been married to himself, and now wondered why he wasn't as bored as Kaydel was. </p><p>Love. He still loved her. Sure they fell into a pattern, but didn't all married couples? Wasn't that they way it was supposed to be? Why did she think she was so special? </p><p>Whatever. Cheaters always get cheated on, and she'll get hers. It's only a matter of time. And by then he would be more successful than ever: new job, new house, new girlfriend. And when she came crawling back he would slam the door in her face. </p><p>Maybe he could do this. </p><p>*****</p><p>He should have known all of that whiskey was a mistake.</p><p>He woke early the next morning with a splitting headache, almost forgetting where he was.  </p><p>Walking across the hall to the bathroom he was surprised to hear the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen. </p><p>Was his mother seriously up making breakfast this early in the morning? </p><p>Leia Organa was never the kind of mother to be up making breakfast for herself, let alone anyone else. She was formerly a state senator and was rarely home, either out on the campaign trail or doing charity work. Hardly ever had time for her only son or her husband. He often found himself alone with Han, who was just as pissed to be without her as he was. But he had to remember that he really didn't know them. Some things may have changed over the years.</p><p>She must have heard him walk out. </p><p>Damn she always did have sharp ears. Never could sneak out of the house when he wanted to either.</p><p>"Nice to see you awake. Come on down and have breakfast."</p><p>With this hangover breakfast was the last thing he could handle. "I'm not up yet. Hangover." He turned to go. </p><p>"Ben Solo I haven't seen you in years. Get down here and spend time with me. Now."</p><p>How could he argue with that? </p><p>Bits and pieces of the night he left came and left his consciousness, but he shoved it down just as quickly. He wasn't ready to deal with that yet. He had enough on his plate.</p><p>Literally and figuratively.</p><p>A plate of eggs, toast, bacon and pancakes fell in front of him. </p><p>"You didn't have to fix an entire breakfast menu. I'm too sick to eat anyway."</p><p>She took a sip of her coffee. "I suggest you get started because we're leaving in an hour."</p><p>Thank God. He could slip back into bed and slip into unconsciousness in peace. </p><p>"When will you be back? I think I want to go to the store later." He was certain all the whiskey was gone, and he needed to stock up. </p><p>"Oh you're coming with us."</p><p>At that moment Han came and sat next to him. "Jesus Leia, did you make everything we had?" He looked over at Ben and winked.</p><p>"I was just about to tell your son that he needs to be ready in an hour."</p><p>"Where exactly are we going?"</p><p>Han sighed. "Oh boy........here we go......"</p><p>Leia lifted her chin: "We're going to church."</p><p>Ben laughed. "Sure Mom. Good one."</p><p>He looked up after noticing the room had gone silent. Surely she didn't actually mean they would be going to <em>church</em>. Han Solo and Leia Organa had never even stepped foot inside of a church (as far as he knew), let alone now. They weren't religious at all, and never even discussed it when he was a kid. Why would they start now? No this had to be some kind of joke.</p><p>Apparently not.</p><p>"You can't be serious Mother. You - at church?"</p><p>Han snorted and Leia glared. "Yes Benjamin. Church. I've been going for a year now. I worked with them on my last campaign. They do incredible work with the local homeless community."</p><p>He looked to his father. "Dad come on. She can't be serious."</p><p>Oh God if anyone would be on his side it should be his father, but he saw the resigned look in his eyes. "It's true kid. Your Mom started dragging me there too, and it's really not that bad."</p><p>This was out of control. Even his father? Han Solo went to church? What was this, the Twilight Zone?</p><p>He stood up, "I am NOT going to church. No way. You want me to sit around while I listen to sub-standard Christian Pop played by 16 year olds while listening to some ignoramus preach about hell and how I'll end up going there because what? I don't believe in God? I don't buy into the bullshit?"</p><p>Leia sighed. She expected this. Her son was never one to join the crowd, no matter what kind. And in his state it was highly unlikely that he would be open to new things. But she had a plan, and she was eager to set it in motion. All she had to do was get him there. </p><p>"Here's the deal. You are living in this house rent-free. Your father and I discussed it late last night, and we both decided that while you're here you will come to church with us. That's our only condition. You go every week, and we'll leave you alone the rest of the week."</p><p>Han chimed in. "We still expect you to focus on getting well and moving forward, but we won't be so..." he struggled to find the words. </p><p>"Suffocating?" Ironic. They hardly cared to hover when he was a child.</p><p>Han smiled. "Exactly. Look we know this is weird for you, but you may even get something out of it. Just humor us while you're here, okay?"</p><p>That was it. Losing the will to argue, he resigned himself to do what they wished. But as soon as he got his shit together, he would be out of here. And maybe this why they were doing it. They knew he would hate this. Maybe they hoped he would move out in a few weeks and leave them alone. </p><p>Fine with him. </p><p>*****</p><p>It certainly wasn't what he expected.</p><p>The parking lot was nearly full. As they walked toward the front doors, he noticed a vibrant rose garden, at its center a statue.  </p><p>"The Virgin Mary. So this is a Catholic Church? Even worse. Don't most Protestants think the Pope is Satan or something?"</p><p>Leia rolled her eyes. "Keep your voice down Ben."</p><p>He shook his head. "Not to mention the sex abuse crisis of the <em>century. </em>Nice going Mom. You really can pick 'em.</p><p>Now Han gave him a look. </p><p>Fine. All he had to do was keep quiet and get through the next hour so he could go home and do more damage to his liver. Once he figured out how to convince them to go to the liquor store on the way there...</p><p>They took their seats near the middle.</p><p>Ben zoned out through the procession and welcoming song. At least the music wasn't obnoxious. The only instrument they had was a grand piano. Thankfully he could check that off his list. What he scoffed at were the typical Catholic stereotypes. Some of the women wore small veils on their heads. There was a large crucifix above the altar (very morbid he thought) and of course there were altar boys (and girls, which surprised him). </p><p>The first reading was done, pulled from the Old Testament. And after the lector walked back down to his seat he took notice. </p><p>A young woman with short brown hair and large hazel eyes took a bow at the altar, carrying a notebook up to the podium. She donned a white tank-top and skirt that reached just above her knee. She wasn't exactly dressed for high church, but there was something about her that drew him in. </p><p>Looking out into the room the girl's eyes stopped at his parents, and they gave a small wave. She acknowledged them with small smile, and her eyes landed on him briefly before she sang: </p><p>
  <strong>"Let us see your face, Lord, and we shall be saved."</strong>
</p><p>She raised her right hand, encouraging the congregation to sing it again with her:</p><p>
  <em>"O shepherd of Israel , hearken. From your throne upon the cherubim, shine forth. Rouse your power. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Once again,  O Lord of hosts, look down from heaven, and see:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Take care of this vine, and protect what your right hand has planted, the son of man whom you yourself made strong."</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>"Let us see your face, Lord, and we shall be saved."</strong>
</p><p>Ben was impressed. Looking at the girl he never would have thought her to have such a well-trained voice. He expected to hear some sort of contemporary Christian pop music, but this was a simple repetition of the Psalm, backed up only with piano. He found he could handle this.</p><p>Thank God there were no tambourines or acoustic guitars.</p><p>The girl closed her notebook, took another bow toward the altar, and went back to her seat. </p><p>After two more readings, both of which Ben zoned out on, the priest came up to give the homily. Most people, he noticed, simply sat and listened. Up by the piano though, the pretty girl that had sung the psalm had a notebook out, jotting down nearly everything he said, her hazel eyes looking up in interest. </p><p>For some reason he found her fascinating. She seemed so enthralled, and yet he so antsy to leave. This was the last place he wanted to be, but he found he didn't mind keeping his attention on her. There was just something about her. A sort of innocence that intrigued him. </p><p>When the Mass ended, he leapt up, ready to bolt for the door, but of course his parents stayed behind to talk to people. </p><p>Who were Leia and Han Solo? He could not believe they were "these people." People that went to church and had friends at church. </p><p>He wondered if they would make him go to a Bible Study. Dear God please not a Bible Study. He would have to draw the line at that.</p><p>Impatient to leave, he stood by the entry way to wait for them. </p><p>Hands in his pockets he kept his eyes on the parish hall, willing his parents to come out. </p><p>Finally they made their way over.</p><p>And with them was the girl. </p><p>Leia laughed at something, and approaching him she said, "I see you're already half-way out the door Benjamin."</p><p>He rolled his eyes. "Ready to go?"</p><p>"We're ready. But first, let me introduce you. Ben this is Rey Niima. Rey this is my son Ben. He's staying with us for a while."</p><p>Great. Just what he wants this beautiful girl to hear. </p><p>Beautiful? Where did that come from?</p><p>She looked up at him shyly and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you Ben. I've heard a lot about you."</p><p>Oh <em>have</em> you? No telling what the Solos have told you.</p><p>"Nice to meet you too." Up close he noticed what he couldn't at the previous distance: her eyes were definitely a rich hazel, with long eyelashes and freckles scattered faintly across her cheeks and nose. Her lips had no lipstick, but were perfectly pink and everything was pulled together with a dainty nose. </p><p>She was gorgeous.</p><p>He looked down and noticed his hand was still shaking hers. Embarrassed, he quickly pulled his hand back and rubbed it on his pants. </p><p>She giggled. And he knew for<em> sure</em> that angels existed. </p><p>Han patted him on the back. "Well we better get grumpy here home. I think he's put his time in for the day. See you next week. Great job up there today kid."</p><p><em>Kid</em>? </p><p>She smiled. "Thanks." She gave Leia a hug. "I'll see you next week Leia."</p><p>"Alright take care dear."</p><p>At that the angel walked out into the sunlight.</p><p>And Ben was left there gaping, wanting to follow her out, and shocked to realize he'd finally spent one hour not thinking about his ex-wife.</p><p>Maybe church wasn't a bad idea after all. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The week was almost over with. Every day Ben's routine was the same: sleep in until late afternoon, eat dinner, and swallow endless glasses of whiskey until passing out at 3:00AM. His parents were true to their word, leaving him alone to do whatever he pleased. Sure Leia complained about all the drinking, but she was in no place to scold. He had done his part of the bargain.</p><p>It should have felt like a vacation, but honestly he would have rather been working: just not at his current job. </p><p>Or former job. He wasn't entirely sure what would happen after his leave of absence. He knew how the company operated - well within the law, but always finding a way to cut off dead weight. He'd orchestrated a few of those for other employees himself. He never thought much about it until now. </p><p>But what did he have to lose anyway? Thinking on it, he now realized that his job was incredibly monotonous.  He thought he loved it until he had his nervous breakdown, or what the doctor called, "a psychotic break." </p><p>Every day the hospital psychiatrists would come in and treat the ward, and his was highly, highly annoying. </p><p>What was his name again? </p><p>Oh yeah. Dr. Plourde.</p><p>He was a pompous ass. They would take a seat in a vacant office (shared by all the doctors) and go through the usual: "Have you been dealing with suicidal ideation? Do you have any side effects from the medication? How have things been progressing with group therapy?"</p><p>All total bullshit as far as he was concerned. </p><p>He hadn't really wanted to kill himself. He was just drunk and pissed off. Once he sobered up and found himself surrounded by bitchy nurses and holier-than-thou therapists, he regretted it immediately. Especially being on a 72-hour hold, which then turned into a week because he had an episode when one of the patients took the last cup of red jello during snack time. Fucking snack time in the psych ward. </p><p>Dr. Plourde was ancient and far too full of himself. What made him so special? Ben had a degree too - more than one.</p><p>Plourde thought he was the next Freud. It really pissed Ben off. </p><p>I'm sure that bastard goes home and drinks too.</p><p>His cell phone sat on the mahogany coffee table mocking him.</p><p>Not one damn message from Kaydel. Not even one to tell him to leave her alone. Ben wondered what she was up to - at this moment probably at Hux's apartment making dinner with him and laughing about how wonderful it was to finally be rid of him. How they could get married now and have kids, and live in a house with a white picket fence. </p><p>Of course Ben knew this was not the kind of woman Kaydel was. She would have rather been caught dead than live in suburbia. But after everything that had happened, maybe he didn't know his wife at all.  He certainly never expected her to cheat on him with anyone, let alone his best friend. </p><p>It had been an enlightening year.</p><p>It was enough to make him vomit. Or maybe that was the alcohol? Both probably. </p><p>They hadn't had a lot of conversations about children. They were both content with the way things were (well he was anyway). She'd probably end up pregnant by the end of the year. </p><p>And he would still be alone in his <em>parents'</em>  house. </p><p>God could it get any worse? </p><p>*****</p><p>Another condition the hospital placed on him was mandatory therapy. And aside from attending church with his parents, it was at the top of his list of things he did not want to do. </p><p>As a child Ben was always rebellious, but after he punched another student in the face for shoving him in the hallway junior year, his parents realized there was something serious going on. Sitting in the principal's office with his mother, they all agreed that he could avoid expulsion if he saw the school therapist once a week. </p><p>Another quack, Dr. Hadley was a short, stout woman - likely in her fifties - with wide-rimmed glasses and a less than favorable face - dowdy clothing too, and he was sure she lived with at least five cats in a old unkempt house by herself. Maybe a hoarder. </p><p>Yeah he'd bet his life on it. </p><p>She would do the usual: nod her head slowly, taking little notes on the pad in front of her every time she found something he said to be important. </p><p>Ben also did his usual: which was to lie to her every session, convincing her that, "yes the breathing exercises were very helpful," and "I've definitely been journaling, and it's helped a lot."</p><p>During his rages, Kaydel was always there, but usually unable to quiet him down. She would give him the space he needed to chill out before calling him a week later as if nothing had ever happened. That was probably best. He didn't want to hurt her. She was the only person he cared about. </p><p>Fast-forward to the present day, and he found himself sitting in front of yet another doctor insisting that therapy was necessary for his "continued growth and the adoption of healthy coping mechanisms." </p><p>His mother was more than willing to help him find a therapist.</p><p>"You know you'd do very well with Amilyn. She's does incredible work with people. I know because..."</p><p>"Yes mother we <em>know</em>. Let me guess, she did some work with you on your last campaign. What was it this time? Counseling helpless little foster kids? Troubled teens?" He scooped up another mouthful of lasagna and washed it down with more than a sip of Maker's Mark. Dinner with the Solos every night was tiresome, always ending with some kind of tiff between Ben and his mother, Han breaking them up before it got too serious. </p><p>Leia said nothing for a moment, giving him a penetrating stare that reminded him of when he was little - almost daring him to continue, threatening to have his father step in and "handle it."</p><p>Slowly she set her glass of Merlot down on the table and tilted her head: "Benjamin I know this is hard for you. I know that you never expected to be in this place - never expected to be alone at this time in your life."</p><p>Ben stared blankly into the white tablecloth that lay beneath him, holding his head in one hand while the other made small circles in the fabric. Now traitorous tears fell, tears he didn't want his mother to see. </p><p>The scoot of Han's chair made a scraping noise beside him, and he felt his father's rugged hands sit on his shoulders. "Son. This isn't the end of the world. Trust me everything will be-"</p><p>Rage swept through him like a violent storm, as Ben stood up, throwing his glass into the wall, shattering dangerously close to his mother's head. </p><p>He pulled at his hair, pacing like a mad man. His parents were shocked. </p><p>Good. </p><p>"Everything is not going to be okay, alright! You don't know what it's like, you with your perfect fucking marriage." Han went to open his mouth and he dismissed him, "No Dad" he pointed a finger at him, "don't give me that bullshit about how it's never been perfect, how you've had your fights and your struggles.  You're wife didn't fuck your best friend behind your back did he?! Your wife didn't find herself a new soulmate, " he put his hands in his hair and laughed, "as if that's even possible. You don't get it do you?! No amount of church or therapy or any of that crap is going to change the fact that I'm alone. I have no one!"</p><p>His mother was crying now, her hand covering her mouth, shoulders shaking. She ran over to him, reaching out for him, "My poor boy..." He pulled away before she could embrace him. </p><p>Han stepped up beside her, "Ben.."</p><p>"Don't! Just...don't..." He let out a pitiful cry and fell to the floor. </p><p>In school he often had these breakdowns, but always pushed his parents away, just as he did now. </p><p>But they weren't having it. They almost lost him. Their only son. Their only child. </p><p>Leia was not about to let him go. </p><p>She bent down, stroking his hair for a while. When he finally calmed down, she pulled him up and sent him upstairs to lie down. He was too tired to argue. </p><p>Collapsing onto the bed, he wiped his eyes. Just before falling into a deep sleep, he reached over for the warmth of his wife's back, but felt only the chill of his comforter and the emptiness in his soul. </p><p>*****</p><p>Dawn was just starting to break as Ben lifted himself up onto his elbows, blindly searching with his hands for his phone to check the time. Almost tipping over the glass of water on his bedside table, he grabbed it and saw that it was just before 6:00AM. It had been a long time since he'd risen this early, usually getting up to get ready for work. He didn't have to worry about it now. </p><p>He sunk back down, holding the phone above his head, scrolling mindlessly through his emails. Nothing of interest seemed to be there, except a few clients that hadn't seen his away message referring all questions to his boss. Apparently some of them sent follow-up emails to him anyway, likely knowing how incompetent Snoke was. And just as that thought entered his head, he saw a message from the devil himself that had come in the day before:</p><p>To: ben.solo@firstorder.com</p><p>From: alexander.snoke@firstorder.com</p><p>cc: jyn.erso@firstorder.com</p><p>Subject: Next Week</p><p>Ben,</p><p>Please be advised that your leave of absence will end this coming Monday. We look forward to seeing you back in the office.</p><p>Sincerely,</p><p>
  <strong>Alexander Snoke</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Chief Executive Officer</strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>First Order Enterprises</strong> </span>
</p><p>Of course he cc'd HR. He's 100% sure they think he's never coming back. And that's just fine with him. He wouldn't go back there even if he was finally well again. It didn't feel right to go back to that life. Aside from that, Armitage Hux was still employed there, and he would only end up in jail after slugging him in the face. </p><p>God he wished he could've gotten one punch in. </p><p>Kaydel had been radio silent for a while. The divorce was final, and he had decided to let her have the apartment and everything in it except his personal belongings. His mother was disappointed that he didn't have the wedding photos (<em>Benjamin you'll be sorry you left them there once you get over this!</em>). Why would he want a daily reminder of his greatest failure and pain hanging on new walls? He wasn't a masochist. </p><p>But Armitage wasn't radio silent. He harassed Ben like he had a death wish. When he wasn't calling him, he was texting him, and he'd let him for a while just to make himself feel better. But now Ben was over it, tired of being stuck in the mire of his former life. It was obnoxious too. He decided to finally block him. If he could steal his wife from him, it was the <em>least</em> he could do. </p><p>He closed his eyes, intent on falling back to sleep. He would need it if he was going to spend the rest of the day spiraling. </p><p>His parents, however, had other ideas. </p><p>A knock sounded at his door. </p><p>"Ben?! Are you awake honey?" Leia hesitated before cracking open his door. </p><p>Her face said it all. He must have looked rough. </p><p>"Oh dear. You look tired." She walked over to the edge of his bed and sat down. He hated the pity he saw in her eyes. </p><p>When he didn't respond, she pushed forward, "I've made breakfast. Do you want any before we go?"</p><p>Perplexed, Ben searched his mind, trying to remember where they could possibly be going. "Go where?" His voice was still rough from sleep. </p><p>"To church. It's Sunday, remember? I thought we could go to church, and then go have some lunch and come home and talk. Maybe call Amilyn and get an appointment set up for you. How does that sound?"</p><p>After his breakdown the night before, drained of all emotion, he nodded. What was the difference anyway? He would be miserable no matter what. He just had to get through the day and get back home in bed where he belonged.</p><p>Legs placed on the floor, he stretched his arms above his head and gave his mother a nod. </p><p>She gave a tentative smile. "Good boy."</p><p>He stood with his hands bracing his closet doors, trying to decide what to wear, avoiding a shower. Because who really cared what he looked like anyway? And even if he looked bad, these are church people. Weren't they required to accept him no matter what he looked like? </p><p>Finally dressed and ready, he shuffled down the stairs and met his father at the door, praying Han wouldn't mention anything from the night before. </p><p>And thankfully he didn't. Han knew after dealing with his wife's temper over the years (which also happened to be Ben's temper), that it was best to let him ride out the waves until they finally subsided. </p><p>*****</p><p>Somehow in the midst of the traumatic night of the broken whiskey glass, Ben had forgotten about Rey Niima.</p><p>But he was given a good reminder when he saw her approach the altar to lead them through the Sunday Psalm.</p><p>
  <b>My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.</b>
</p><p>
  <em>O God, you are my God whom I seek;</em>
  <br/>
  <em>for you my flesh pines and my soul thirsts</em>
  <br/>
  <em>like the earth, parched, lifeless and without water.</em>
</p><p>
  <b>My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.</b>
</p><p>
  <em>Thus have I gazed toward you in the sanctuary</em>
  <br/>
  <em>to see your power and your glory,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>For your kindness is a greater good than life;</em>
  <br/>
  <em>my lips shall glorify you.</em>
</p><p>
  <b>My soul is thirsting for you, O Lord my God.</b>
</p><p>Her vibrato on the last note lifted high into the rafters and reached out into the pews - into him.  He didn't care what the words were. She could have been singing anything. He cared because the voice was <em>hers.</em></p><p>Today she was dressed modestly, as she had the week before, a skirt that ended right above her knee and a simple blouse. Her hair was down, nothing special done to it. But if he squinted his eyes he could see that her face looked a bit different. When the lights came up, he could see longer eyelashes, a bit of blush, and...were her lips were a bit pinker than they had been last time? </p><p>Leia leaned over to whisper in his ear: "Isn't she great? She has such a beautiful voice."  He nodded, keeping his eyes on Rey as she bowed again to the altar and walked back to her seat.</p><p>And just as she had the week before, he saw her take out he notepad and scribble during the homily. </p><p>*****</p><p>After the Mass ended, Ben felt somewhat better than he had that morning. He couldn't place why, but he felt a bit more light. </p><p>Again, he found himself by the front doors waiting for his parents to finish saying their goodbyes to all of their friends. And now he wondered if Rey would be coming out with them again.</p><p>And there she was. In fact, he could hear her before he could see her. Her laugh was infectious and just as beautiful as her voice. </p><p>She was arm in arm with his mother, Han trudging slowly behind. </p><p>"I just told her there's no way we're going to be doing that for Halloween this year. Not anymore anyway," Leia laughed and Rey joined her.</p><p>They approached Ben, and he grew somewhat nervous. Rey looked up at him, and he saw something he hadn't seen before. Yes, she did look different because he was right. She had obviously put makeup on this time. He didn't think it was necessary. She was already exquisite just as she was. And he was slightly angered to see that she had covered the cute little freckles on her cheeks with foundation. </p><p>Rey frowned. </p><p>"Benjamin what is wrong with you?" his mother gave him a stern look. </p><p>When he didn't answer, Leia lifted her eyebrows and Han suppressed a laugh. "Rey just said hello, did you not hear her? Or did you have one too many whiskeys last night?" </p><p>All of that sympathy his mother had that morning must have left her body, he guessed, especially when her son embarrassed her in front of one of her friends. He was used to this. In the midst of her many election campaigns, he was often chastised for his moodiness, and his mother never hesitated to distance herself from him as much as possible. Appearances were everything in that business, and that certainly applied to church too. </p><p>"I apologize Rey. It's nice to see you." <em>Very</em> nice. </p><p>For some reason he had awkwardly held out his hand, as if meeting her for the first time. She looked up at him like a deer in headlights, and then took his hand, shaking it with a laugh. God he was such an idiot. </p><p>"Don't worry about it."</p><p>Leia rolled her eyes. "Well now that we've woken Ben up, why don't we all head out. Rey we'll see you there in ten. Benjamin" she pushed him out the door.</p><p>Once he got situated in the backseat, he questioned her: "What did you say about meeting Rey in ten? I thought we were going to lunch." </p><p>She turned back to him: "We are going to lunch. Rey is meeting us there. We're going to Charlie's."</p><p>His plan to drink the rest of the day away per his usual schedule came to a screeching halt. He found now that he needed the alcohol just as much, but for a very different reason. It made him nervous to think about sitting at the same table with her. He didn't know why he felt so intimidated. Maybe it was that she was a Christian - which he definitely wasn't - or because she was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen - except....</p><p>Anyway, he was anxious. Anxious to get there and have a front-row view, a closer look than what was normally permitted during the Mass. </p><p>*****</p><p>Charlie's was one of those restaurants that wasn't exactly five stars, but acted like it was. The prices were typically exorbitant, and the food not nearly the quality it should have been for the amounts they charged.</p><p>Ben was used to dining in Michelin-star restaurants - with Kaydel - and was a little snotty about virtually anywhere else. </p><p>They walked in, and he excitedly scanned the room for Rey, but was disappointed to see she hadn't arrived yet. </p><p>Han held his chair out for Leia (where had <em>that</em> come from, Ben wondered) and Ben pulled up the menu to see what might be edible. </p><p>Leia rested her chin on her clasped hands, looking up, searching the room, and then smiled and waved.</p><p>"Rey! Over here honey!" God his mother had it bad. He wondered how this relationship had formed between the two.</p><p>With nervous excitement, Ben anticipated turning around to see her, but what he saw was very unexpected.</p><p>Purse in hand, Rey smiled a toothy grin, as she leaned over to give Han a half-hug......and behind her....</p><p>A little girl. </p><p>Ben was...perplexed?</p><p>She looked to be about three or four, her hair a deep black, very curly, and pulled in very tight little pigtails (she barely had enough hair to even put up). </p><p>Her eyes were round, the same color as her mother's - a beautiful shade of hazel, that were now darting across the room with curiosity. She held a piece of paper and two old crayons in her hand - given to her from the hostess, no doubt. </p><p>Leia stood up and walked over to her, bending down: "Hello darling. How are you today? It's been so long since I've seen you!" She held out her hands for a hug.</p><p>But funnily enough to Ben, the little girl simply stared blankly at his mother, her eyes then shifting over to him, studying him as if he were a painting she couldn't quite figure out.</p><p>"Baby can you say hi to Miss Leia? She's talking to you. It's not nice to ignore our friends."</p><p>Wait. This was Rey's daughter? To Ben, Rey seemed so...<em>young</em>.</p><p>Her eyes were pensive, still on him, and it was starting to freak him out a little. He was never completely comfortable with kids. It wasn't as if he had anything against them. He just never felt like children liked him. He was tall, often imposing to the little creatures, and his deep voice sometimes scared them. </p><p>Leia must have noticed the little one staring at her son, and with a twinkle in her eye (which made Ben very suspicious), she introduced him. "Mira...this is my son Ben. Would you like to say hello?"</p><p>Mira had moved her hazel eyes to Leia, but then back to Ben, appraising him again. Ben felt like he was on Antiques Road Show. </p><p>Radiant Rey - that popped into his head rather quickly - turned to the scene with great interest to see how her daughter would respond. </p><p>Mira walked up, one tiny foot and a time, her little shoelaces bouncing on the way, and slowly held out her chubby hand.</p><p>Ben wanted to chuckle. She looked so formal. He smiled, reaching out to shake it. "Hello Mira. I'm Ben."</p><p>He waited for a response - in fact it felt like the whole table waited - this was the quietest child Ben had ever encountered - but she said nothing, walking behind her mother's leg, grasping her calf.</p><p>Rey sheepishly grinned. "Sorry. She's rather shy around strangers."</p><p>Han laughed. "She's shy around everyone. I'm shocked she even acknowledged Ben's existence." </p><p>They all  giggled, settling back in their seats, perusing their respective menus. </p><p>Han and Leia sat across from each other, Rey next to Leia, with Mira perched in a high chair at the end of the table. </p><p>After the four adults exchanged a few pleasantries, asking each other what they were getting, Ben was growing impatient. He wanted to know more about this freckled-face radiant Rey. </p><p>"So!" Leia took a sip of her tea, placing it down with a bit of force. "How are things going in choir this year?"</p><p>Rey placed her menu down, opening her cutlery up and placing it on the table. "Very well. We've got two new people, and they're slowly getting the hang of things. Of course being new they have a lot of ideas, and it's been hard to put them off."</p><p>Leia chuckled. "To be expected. What about the children's classes? When are they starting up again?"</p><p>My God, did she do that too? </p><p>After opening Mira's straw and placing it in her water, Rey turned to answer: "All set. I've got the rooms ready" she sighed. "It took forever to get it all done. I had to stay there half the night with Finn to get all the drawings put up."</p><p>Finn. Ben didn't like that. Couldn't think why, but he didn't. </p><p>"You teach the kids too?" </p><p>Rey looked over at him with surprise. When had he gotten so bold?</p><p>"For two years."</p><p>Ben hummed. "Do you like it?"</p><p>Han looked at his son like he had grown an extra head. </p><p>Rey looked surprised too. "I do. The kids are really special."</p><p>Ben nodded, not sure what to say next. He realized now how inadequate he must sound. The only other girl he ever tried to talk to was Kaydel. He'd been spoiled being with the same person for so long. </p><p>An awkward silence ensued. </p><p>He cleared his throat and pressed through, keeping his Dad's face in his line of sight, daring him to make one sound. </p><p>"So how do you know my mom? I mean obviously you met at church, but......"</p><p>She must have noticed his awkwardness, because she gave a comforting smile. "Yes I met your mom when she helped us with our fundraiser last year."</p><p>Leia chimed in. "For the local homeless. I'm telling you, Rey is incredible" she waved her manicured hands around. "She basically runs the church."</p><p>Ben beamed. </p><p>She looked embarrassed. "I wouldn't say that exactly, but thank you." </p><p>Out of the corner of his eyes, Ben noticed his mother exchange a not-so-secretive wink with her husband, and he noted that he'd be having a discussion with her when he got home. He assumed she would be trying to set him up with her. But..was she single? He didn't even think about it. </p><p>After the waiter laid the food down on the table, he snuck a glance over to her left hand and breathed easy - no ring. But she could have a boyfriend...</p><p>He dug into his garden burger when he felt a soft tap on his right arm. Swallowing a bite, he turned and surprisingly met Mira's round eyes. </p><p>She raised her eyebrows (at this age thin little wisps of black hair) and he did the same. She slid the paper over that she'd been coloring on quietly, and he peered over. </p><p>He smiled. It was a connect the dots, and she had completed the entire thing. The lines were nearly perfect, and he didn't think he could've done a better job. She had great precision for a kid. </p><p>"What's this?" he said. "Your lines are very...straight." God he was awkward.</p><p>She still had her little eyebrows up, waiting for something. He tried again. "It's really good. Good job?"</p><p>Mira looked down at her handiwork, then back up at him again. He thought she would smile, giggle, whatever little kids did when an adult praised them, but she gave him a solemn nod, turning the paper over and coloring the little characters on the back. </p><p>Relieved, he went back to his food, unaware that Rey had been watching the exchange with a peculiar expression on her face. </p><p>The rest of the lunch was relatively painless, and Ben found he thoroughly enjoyed looking at his new obsession up close. He was fascinated by her. </p><p>When the group was full, they approached the exit, and before separating, Rey shook his hand. "It was nice to see you again Ben. I hope you'll still keep coming back to Mass."</p><p>She made to pull her hand back, but he held it firmly in his. "I will. I definitely will." If he wasn't mistaken, there was a slight pink blush creeping up from her neck into her cheeks. </p><p>"Good." She slipped her hand out of his and looked down. "Mira can you tell Ben goodbye?" </p><p>He was half-expecting her to smile and give him a big hug. He thought he'd made some headway with her. </p><p>But he was wrong. She looked up at him, and then back down to his shoes, then turned her hazel eyes up to her mother's matching ones.</p><p>Rey sighed. "Sorry. LIke I said. She's very shy. It was nice to see you Ben."</p><p>"You too."  She walked over to his parents, giving them hugs, and walked off, Mira holding her hand, with her paper still clutched in her hands. Before they got into their car, Mira turned and looked at Ben once more, and then hopped into the back-seat.</p><p>Ben slid into his mother's suburban, tired from the long morning, but content. And light.</p><p>Leia looked over at Han. "Let's go home. Unless....Ben?"</p><p>He looked up. "Yeah?"</p><p>"Do you need us to make a stop?" </p><p>He knew what she was asking. And to be honest with himself, he still wanted that whiskey bottle. But tonight - he didn't want to taint the good feeling he had from this lunch. He felt good. </p><p>He knew the reason for that. And he wanted to spend the rest of the night thinking about that reason..that radiant light. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning:</p><p>This is incredibly fluffy stuff. I am the fluff queen.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time was ticking away.</p><p><em>Slowly</em>. </p><p>Ben sat on his parents' living room couch, feet perched on the arm, resting his head on his hands. </p><p>How had he gotten through the week before her? Before seeing the green and brown of her wide hazel eyes...before hearing her voice lift into the rafters of the sanctuary...before watching her dimples slowly form on her cheeks as she smiled....</p><p>Now it was all he could think about. </p><p>And he was eager to learn more about her. Almost stressed about it.</p><p>It went from the important things, like: where did she work? How old is she?</p><p>To the seemingly mundane: Is she a morning person or an evening person? Does she like tea or coffee? </p><p>And the question that burns in his mind the most: Does she have a boyfriend? </p><p>He knew he couldn't ask his mother. She would no doubt go right to the source, and to have Rey know he was asking about her felt embarrassing. </p><p><em>God</em> how had he courted Kaydel? Once he heard through the rumor mill that she liked him, all he had to do was go up and ask her out. </p><p>Why couldn't he just do that now? </p><p>It just felt like there was no context for it yet. He barely knew her. </p><p>And what about her little girl? </p><p>Would Rey even be open to dating anyone right now? </p><p>All these questions were swirling around in his head when his mother walked through the door.</p><p>Sitting her purse down on the kitchen table, she shook her head. "Have you accomplished anything today, or have you just been lying here on this couch?"</p><p>He imagined she thought her daily nagging would annoy him. But he had much more important things on his mind. Things that involved kissing someone's delicate pink lips. </p><p>Ben ignored her. </p><p>She rolled her eyes. "Have you called Amilyn?"</p><p>Every day Leia asked the question, and every day he said no. He was still averse to going to therapy, though he knew he had to. He just didn't see the point of it all. After dealing with the idiot doctors at the hospital psych ward, he thought pretty much every doctor was a quack. </p><p>He got up and followed her into the kitchen, leaning against the counter. "No, I haven't. And I wasn't planning on it."</p><p>Leia huffed. "Ben you need to go to therapy. You need to deal with these issues, or you'll find yourself right back here. You can't take your issues into your next marriage."</p><p>Interesting. </p><p>"My next marriage?"</p><p>A slight pink colored her cheeks, and most people wouldn't have seen it. Leia Organa held a permanently tough exterior. Only her family could see past it. </p><p>And now she looked a bit flushed to Ben.</p><p>"You know what I mean Ben. You need to deal with it for <em>you</em>. For your own growth."</p><p>He clenched his jaw. "Or you mean 'hurry up and get better Ben so we can get you out of our house.' Am I right?"</p><p>"<em>Wrong</em>." His father walked in. "If I had it my way you'd be here forever kid. As long as you were happy."</p><p>"Forever? That's rich, seeing as you kicked your only son out of the house with nowhere to go." </p><p>Han did the only thing he knew how to do, and that was turn and walk away. </p><p>Typical, thought Ben. He was never one to face up to anything he'd done wrong. </p><p>His mother, however, was never afraid to battle. </p><p>Waiting for the inevitable feud that would ensue from his snarky comment, he was surprised to find that his mother said nothing, rummaging around in the kitchen cabinets. </p><p>"Damn. We don't have half of what we need. Ben can you go to the store and pick a few things up?"</p><p>"Sure. No problem." It wasn't like he had anywhere to be, and this had to be better than sitting on his <em>parents'</em> couch dreaming about a girl who was completely out of reach. </p><p>*****</p><p>The one thing Ben did like about being off work (because let's face it - he'd completely fallen off the face of the earth to them) was running these little errands for his parents. </p><p>Ben generally loathed people: most people were at work. Check</p><p>Ben could go out and buy alcohol without hearing it from his parents: Double Check. </p><p>And now as he cruised down the highway he grew excited thinking about that coming Sunday. </p><p>He still hated the church. </p><p>The priest was way too serious. Ben thought if he were to ever actually join a church it would be one where you got something out of it. It seemed like all these places wanted was more and more money to put up more and more useless statues and stained glass windows. He failed to see how it was doing any good for anyone. </p><p>Aside from that, the whole sexual abuse crisis monstrosity of the past few decades did little to persuade him that God had anything to do with it. How foolish these people are to believe such things. How ignorant his parents are to go along with such nonsense. And then there was Rey...</p><p>Radiant Rey. </p><p>How could she fall for this crap? She looked like a smart girl. </p><p>Maybe he could talk to her, convince her that it was all a joke. But of course, that would involve talking to her <em>period</em>, and he was already having a hard time of that. </p><p>After putting his car in park, he looked up to get out and saw a young woman with long, sandy blonde hair walking right past his car. He could almost swear it was his wife.</p><p>Ex-wife.</p><p>The look on her face was pure determination - a no-nonsense look Kaydel often sported. She took no prisoners at work or at home, always dictating what she thought about what was right in her eyes. </p><p>He always conceded to whatever she wanted because he was usually in line with it. Wasn't he? </p><p>Looking back he wondered if maybe he'd just been a doormat. </p><p>It depressed him. </p><p>The day had started off with so much promise, and now he could feel the tell-tale signs of a spiral beginning. </p><p>The whiskey bottle sounded fantastic to him. And luckily it was right next door to the grocery. </p><p>Now with a new goal in mind that involved once again drowning his sorrows away over his divorce, he walked into the liquor store with purpose, snatching up the strongest bottle he could find - then headed over to the grocery next door. </p><p>Thankfully Leia only needed a few things. The sooner he got back, the sooner he could lock himself in his bedroom and think about the marriage he thought he had. </p><p>He was hunting for some sugar when he heard it:</p><p>A small cry from the other side of the aisle. </p><p>That was his cue. He couldn't handle crying brats on top of his horrible mood, and he began walking toward the register until.....</p><p>"Baby I'm sorry we can't get it today."</p><p>Was he dreaming? He swore he recognized that voice, but couldn't place it from where he stood. </p><p>He turned back and peeked down the aisle and was surprised...and very pleased.....to see her there. </p><p>Ben tried not to run, he really did. He just missed her so much, and he hardly knew her...and God this was probably the only chance he had to see her for a few days.</p><p>Rey was bent down on the ground wiping her daughter's runny nose. "Mira baby we can't always get what we want...I know you don't feel good, but...."</p><p>Just then something caught Rey's attention. Mira, who was now hiccupping uncontrollably, her pink cheeks wet with the tracks of her tears, moved her eyes from her mother's straight to Ben's..</p><p>And stopped.</p><p>Rey looked worried until she looked up and saw him. And she beamed. </p><p>Ben swore he could hear those angels singing again. </p><p>She picked up Mira's hand, pulling her forward to greet him. </p><p>"Hi Ben! How are you?" </p><p>How am I? He could barely remember his name...</p><p>He cleared his throat. "I'm good. How are you?"</p><p>She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Struggling honestly." She pulled out another tissue and wiped her daughter's face again.</p><p>"Um. What's wrong with...?" He pointed at the child crying below him - pointed at her like she was a <em>dog</em> or something. </p><p>Children should really be kept far away from him at all times.</p><p>Rey took a deep breath and shook her head. "She's running a fever, which meant I had to call out from work today. And of course I go home, and I have barely anything in the pantry - definitely not any flu medicine. And my babysitter can't watch her - daycare won't take her because she's sick -  so here we are." She said it all in one breath. </p><p>Ben really didn't know what to say. He'd never hung out with people who had kids before and didn't really know how to relate.</p><p>She must have gathered that, when she continued: "Sorry. I really shouldn't put all my problems on you."</p><p>He shook his head. "No, no you're not. You can tell me anything. Is there anything I can do to help?"</p><p>Anything? Because I would do <em>anything</em> for you. Radiant Rey.</p><p>"No not really. At this point we just need to get home and get in bed, don't we Mira?"</p><p>The little girl had been staring up at Ben with the exact same look she did the day she met him. Questioning: <em>Who are you? What are you about? How do you know my mommy?</em></p><p>What Ben didn't know was that her thought process now included, <em>What can this person do to help me because mommy is being difficult?</em></p><p>Mira ignored her mother and pointed somewhere behind Ben. And Rey rolled her eyes: "Not that," she grumbled.</p><p>Ben turned around and smiled when he saw it: a large balloon of some cartoon character he was sure he'd seen before, but couldn't place the name. </p><p>"Baby I'm sorry we can't get that today. Maybe next week, hmm?"</p><p>And he had to hide his smile with his hand because Mira kept her eyes on him, blatantly ignoring her mother - willing it to happen. </p><p>Rey huffed, and repeated herself with a hard no, which led to more crying, which then led Ben to having his heart broken in two. </p><p>He couldn't let her leave this store without this stupid balloon. </p><p>He bent down to her eye level. Her shoulders were still shaking, nose running, when Ben turned to her mother: "Can we get it? Please?" </p><p>Those bright hazel eyes - these fluorescent lights did <em>not</em> do them justice - widened a bit, and he was worried he overstepped. He knew it wasn't polite to disregard something a mother said to her child. After all, he was Leia Organa's son. No one would have <em>dared</em> question her decision making when it came to her child. </p><p>But thankfully she motioned for him to stand, hands on her hips. "You're just as bad as she is. Okay darling. We'll get it."</p><p>Ben rushed up to grab it, because no way was anyone going to get this balloon before he could. </p><p>When he brought it over for her, she reached up her chubby hand and grasped at the string, and he was worried she would let go, as little kids usually did. But she grasped it tightly between her little fingers. </p><p>And Ben thought his heart would burst when she looked up at him and <em>smiled</em>. </p><p>Just as radiant as her mother's. </p><p>Mira then grabbed his hand, dragging him down the aisle and stopped suddenly, looking up at him and pointing up to.....</p><p>A large bag of lollipops. </p><p>Ben smirked. He was played for a fool. </p><p>"Miriam Niima you are not getting candy too! You weren't even supposed to get that balloon!" </p><p>"Rey, I'm sorry. I didn't realize....."</p><p>She waved him off. "No, no it's okay. She's very convincing when she wants to be. You're not the first guy to fall for it, trust me."</p><p>We do <em>not</em> like that. </p><p>He pulled the bag down and put it in his basket - and she raised her eyebrows. </p><p>"What? I really like lollipops." He pulled one out and took it out of the wrapper, handing it down to her daughter. </p><p>Mira looked like the cat that ate the canary. </p><p>Both approaching the register, Rey laughed. "She looks like she just came from the state fair or something. Good grief." </p><p>She began to put her things up to be scanned, and Ben couldn't help but notice how little she'd gotten: a bottle of children's cold and flu medicine, a gallon of water, some saltine crackers, and a loaf of bread and peanut butter.</p><p>Was <em>this</em> all she was getting? </p><p>Of course. This must be why she told her daughter no. </p><p>Shit. He was a total idiot. Now she was expected to pay for this stuff. But he wasn't going to let that happen.</p><p>She was moving down the line to pay, when he got the attention of the clerk, quietly communicating that he had this. </p><p>Rey looked up and saw what he was up to and immediately tried to put a stop to it. "What are you doing?"</p><p>Now he was nervous. He thinks this time he's actually upset her. "I'm already getting stuff anyway. My treat."</p><p>Her arms crossed tightly over her chest, her expression inscrutable. Had he totally blown this? And those beautiful hazel eyes were turning darker and darker as the seconds passed. </p><p>But she finally nodded, and he breathed a major sigh of relief. </p><p>They walked out together, Mira's balloon trailing behind her, as Ben followed to Rey's car. </p><p>After she pushed the balloon into the back seat and buckled her now content daughter into her car seat, she used the rear door to pull herself up and smile at him:</p><p>"Thank you Ben. This was.....this was very nice of you. I really appreciate it."</p><p>"Of course. Whatever you need." He was bold enough to hold her gaze much longer than was customarily allowed. And it was worth it every damn second, because the sun was making her eyes sparkle green, blanketing her tan skin in bright light and giving her a slight blush on her neck and cheeks. </p><p>And a slight twinge was felt in the front of his pants, and he couldn't believe this was all it took to wake him up. And the longer he stood there, eyes trailing up and down her body, the harder he got. </p><p>He could swear she took notice, seeing a the quickest of flashes from his face to his pants and back up. And he felt dirty for thinking it, but he wanted her to look. </p><p>"Um. Okay...well....see you later."</p><p>"Sunday!" he practically yelled. As if she were standing at the other end of the parking lot. </p><p>She turned back around giving him a radiant Rey smile: "I'll see you then."</p><p>As they drove off, he stood nearly cemented into the same spot in the parking lot, unwilling to move for fear his brain would tell him it had never happened. </p><p>He finally got back into his car, setting his things down in the passenger seat in a daze. </p><p>Ben could hardly remember the drive home, his head still floating around in her radiant light, so when he pulled into the driveway, he was so out of it that he didn't notice a familiar car parked in the driveway. </p><p>One he never would have expected. The last one he wanted to see. </p><p>And it belonged to Armitage Hux. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben hopped out of the car, swinging his mother's car keys in his hands and nearly skipping up the driveway. </p><p>How fast a day could change. One minute he’s lost in a sea of divorce-depression. The next minute he's flooded with the brilliant light that is Rey Niima. He thinks that if he can just bask in her light a little every day he can function like a normal human being. Even seeing her for a handful of minutes had kept him from tumbling over the cliff that loomed in his mind. It was always taunting him: the failure of his marriage. The wound was still fresh, but this space in his heart that Kaydel had carved out over the years was slowly being filled up with <em>her</em>. </p><p>It would take a long time, but if she would let him in, there was no telling how fast that space would illuminate with her and her alone. </p><p>He thought he had a good handle on things now. He would walk through the door, hand things over to his mother - maybe even give her a hug - they could sit down and talk about all the things they'd never said to each other over the years. His father would pour him a drink and pat him on the back. There would be endless praising from them about how well he’d done in his career - how much better he was now that Kaydel was no longer in the picture. Maybe he would be brave enough to ask his mother about Rey: What did Rey think of him? Did she ever talk about him? He knew Leia had her number (well, he assumed). Ben would even put up with her making him uncomfortable because he would just feel so open about how he felt. </p><p>These were wonderful dreams - some of them he'd had long before but had never come to fruition.</p><p>But he wasn't living in a dream.</p><p>When he saw Hux's car it was as if fate was late in reminding him: no, you're in a nightmare, and it will take a lot of grasping and clawing to get yourself out. </p><p>If you can. </p><p>The shiny black paint job sent him into a fury - and the gleam of the hubcaps made him want to pick up something sharp and destroy the tires. </p><p>It was almost as if he were in slow motion when he opened the door and saw the inevitable: his mother and father sitting at the dining room table with his former best friend: open bottle of wine, casserole on the table (half-eaten), a newly baked cake on the counter waiting to be eaten. </p><p>Han Solo and Leia Organa were exactly the same people they were years ago. They played one game, and they were experts at it: the betrayal and abandonment of their son.  </p><p>The laughing - the <em>laughing</em> - stopped when they heard the front door slam, making them flinch in their seats. </p><p>His mother's smile disappeared, replaced with surprise, yet how could this woman possibly be surprised at the look on his face? </p><p>"Ben. How are you?" She stood up hesitantly, her hands trembling as her fingers lightly traced the tablecloth below her. </p><p>This, admittedly, was Ben's favorite part of this charade. The whole exchange of "innocence."</p><p>"Mother. I thought you didn't have everything you needed," he motioned to the bag in his hand. </p><p>She laughed a little, "Oh well, we managed to put something together. Come on in. There's still plenty left."</p><p>Ben's eyes hadn't even made their way over to the redhead sitting across from his mother yet. He would get there. </p><p>He stood resolute in his silence, waiting for his parents to acknowledge how insane they were. Because they must be. But at this point, Ben thought, <em>he</em> must be insane to think they would act otherwise. </p><p>Han cleared his throat. Still seated, he made his attempt, "Ben, why don't you..."</p><p>"<em>Get out</em>."</p><p>His father still had his mouth open, as if still contemplating whether he was going to say anything else. </p><p>Of course, his mother wasn't as smart - or as tactful. </p><p>"Benjamin he just wants to apologize."</p><p>Furious flames licked up behind Ben's eyes and he was ready to unleash. Armitage Hux stood up and turned, buttoning the front of his suit jacket. </p><p>Just as pompous as ever. How Ben couldn't see through this snake's bullshit, he'll never know. </p><p>Armitage didn't even look his way when he said, "Leia no worries. I really shouldn't have come. We should have known this would have been a bad idea."</p><p><em>Interesting</em>, Ben thought. That "we" implied quite a bit. </p><p>"Mother," he could barely breathe with the effort he fought with to control himself, "please don't tell me you've been planning this..."</p><p>Damn. Once again Ben could see right through that ridiculous stoic look that Leia Organa had on her face. She wasn't going to let on that she was wrong. Leia Organa was <em>never</em> wrong. </p><p>"Ben, we're just trying to help you. You need to go back to work. You do so much better when you're working. And Armitage says the company is considering letting you work from home. I think you should just give him a chance to explain."</p><p>The alarming lack of compassion and self-awareness surprisingly still left him cold. He should have known better than to come back here. But really, what choice had he had? Clearly it was a mistake.</p><p>"A chance,” he took a deep breath, “.... a chance to explain......" he said. </p><p>Leia looked at him like he was a lion pacing in its cage, ready to strike out at any moment, "He just wants to help you, Ben."</p><p>Hux finally looked up at him, "It’s not just about work Ben. We heard about the hospital. Kaydel was worried sick. She asked me to come check on you."</p><p>That word - that person - it was all it took to unleash the beast within, as Ben found himself lunging forward and pulling his best friend to the floor. It was just like it had been in high school when he had his "fits" (as his mother would call them). It was like blacking out while drunk. But Ben wanted to remember this. </p><p>With every hit he thrust with his fist onto Hux's delicate face a new spurt of blood would fly and land on his mother's lovely white carpet (oh she would <em>hate</em> him for this). Sure, he thought about slicing Hux’s throat open with a kitchen knife or using his more than capable hands to cut his windpipe off - but that was just too good for him. </p><p>It was when the squelching of his target's face grew louder that he felt the pull of his father behind him. No use though. He wasn't going to be stopped by <em>Han Solo</em>.  He could faintly here his mother on the phone with someone in the background. </p><p>Ten minutes - or hours - later, several large arms were pulling him up off the ground and forcing him into handcuffs. His head was pushed down into a squad car. And his vision is slowly came back to him as the orange lights of the streetlamps passed by the car windows. </p><p>What the hell did he just do? </p><p>*****</p><p>Time seemed endless here.</p><p>Ben had been sitting on a plastic chair amidst fellow low lives and criminals all night. </p><p>Oh, he'd already gone up and called his parents multiple times to bail him out, because he knew what it meant to be here.</p><p>He'd been here before. But they'd always bailed him out by now. And of course, being him, he didn't really have many friends - well, in fact, he had <em>no</em> friends - to bail him out now. And he thought that perhaps in future he might start being a little more open to it in case something like this happens again. It was probably inevitable.</p><p>The small chairs weren't comfortable, and people were frequently twisting and turning in them to relieve their backs, but for Ben it was worse because of his size. And really, what did he expect? It was jail. Or at least it was "pre" jail. He hadn't made it there yet. </p><p>Which is why it was important to get someone on the phone to get him the hell out of there before they transported him. </p><p>The damn lawyer wasn't picking up any of his calls either. He'd be fired the minute Ben got out of there. </p><p>Several hours passed when finally, his name was called up by one of the detention officers. </p><p>"Ben Solo. You've made bail. All we need is your signature and you're free to go."</p><p>This was curious, but not unexpected. Maybe his mother had just turned her phone back on and finally saw his missed calls and messages. </p><p>After getting his belongings back, he thought to check his phone, but decided against it. He wasn't ready to deal with it. </p><p>It was a pretty day. The sky was a bright blue and the wind blew lightly through the leaves of the trees that had been planted up and down the sidewalks.</p><p>Expecting to see his parents outside (they knew the door - they'd been there many times), he was dumbfounded to see no one there. He looked both ways - deciding finally to walk toward one of the downtown parking lots. Maybe they were waiting there for him. </p><p>No sign of them anywhere. </p><p>He resigned himself to turning his phone on. But shockingly there was only one voicemail there: from his mother.</p><p>Hesitantly he dialed his voicemail code and listened:</p><p>
  <em>"Ben this is your mother. I know you're probably wondering where we are. Your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided your living here is no longer appropriate. Your behavior yesterday was absolutely unacceptable. Until you can..."</em>
</p><p>His phone screen shattered when he threw it onto the pavement below, and he stomped on it for good measure. It really shouldn't bother him that he was kicked out again. It really shouldn't bother him that his mother spoke to him as if he was one of her interns instead of her son. And it really shouldn't bother him that his father hadn't tried to call him or leave a message. This was all typical behavior for his parents. </p><p>But it did bother him. It pummeled his spirit and took the breath out of his lungs. </p><p>How could his parents just drop him again, knowing that he had just gone through a horrible divorce? Had just lost what he thought was the love of his life? The only person that loved and understood him? </p><p>Why hadn't he seen this coming? Of course, he should have. He was so distracted by thoughts of Rey that he'd not seen what was right in front of him. </p><p>Rey. </p><p>God, what if she found out about this? What would she think of him? He knew it was silly to think she'd care anything about it since she hardly knew him. But all that effort he'd put forth into making a good impression would be destroyed if she found out about this. And knowing his mother, it wouldn't take long for Rey to find out. </p><p>Get it together Ben. You are not going to cry. You've been through this before. </p><p>Running a hand through his hair, he looked up, holding his eyes shut tightly, willing himself to calm down. </p><p>"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a pretty phone."</p><p>A finger tapped him on the back, and he jumped. </p><p>Thinking he was alone, he was surprised when he turned back to find the source of the poking: the shortest man he'd ever seen, held up by an old cane in one hand, carrying a notepad in the other. </p><p>"Can I help you with something?" seemed a good question to ask when a perfect stranger pokes you on the street. </p><p>The old man looked up slowly with a twinkle in his eye, "Help from you, young Solo, I do not need."</p><p>Ben eyed him with suspicion, "How do you know who I am?"</p><p>The man replied, smiling, "Met before, we have."</p><p>Shaking his head, Ben made it clear, "No, I'm positive I've never met you. Who are you?"</p><p>Ben did not have time for guessing games. A plan had already begun to formulate in his mind: he would take a cab home to his parents' house, beg them to let him back in to get his things and go on his merry way - dead set on never speaking to them again afterward. The sooner he did it, the sooner he would be done with them. And this useless exchange was getting in his way. </p><p>The stranger let out a giggle before replying: "Whatever you're planning in that head of yours, " he lightly poked him with the end of his cane, "is not going to work. Come with me."</p><p>At that Ben stood on the sidewalk, stunned, watching him walk away until the stranger looked back and beckoned him forward. </p><p>What did he have to lose? He had nowhere to go and no job to go to. He might as well throw caution to the wind and see how this played out. </p><p>He caught up to him asking, "So what's your name?" </p><p>"Yoda. Deacon Yoda."</p><p>"Were you the one that bailed me out?"</p><p>"No. Father Qui-Gon, that was."</p><p>"Wait a minute. Don't tell me you go to church with my parents..."</p><p>Yoda smiled, "Correct, that is. Come along or we'll miss the bus."</p><p>Ben was appalled. "The <em>bus</em>? I'm not taking the bus when I can take a cab." Ben reached into his coat pocket to call one, but then remembered: No phone. </p><p>It looked like the deacon found it amusing, but kept his mouth shut, as they made their way onto the bus nearby. As they rode along, he asked, "So I take it Father Qui-Gon is the priest then?"</p><p>"Pay attention, you do not young Solo. Do you not hear his name at Mass?"</p><p>No, Ben thought. Because he spent all that time looking at <em>her</em>. He could care less about the priest, deacon, or anyone else there. Her light blinded him to anything else. </p><p>"How did he know I was in jail?"</p><p>Yoda responded, "He was doing his prison ministry today and saw you there. Recognized you, he did." </p><p>"So, he just decided out of the kindness of his heart to bail a perfect stranger out of jail?" </p><p>The deacon looked bored, "The Church did, yes," he corrected.</p><p>Ben thought on it. "Okay, that's all well and good, but it doesn't explain why."</p><p>Yoda turned to him. "Why <em>you</em>, you mean?" </p><p>That's exactly what he meant. They had to know what he'd done to get there - or at least have some idea. It wasn't unusual for a church to have priests visit a prison. He'd seen stuff like this before on tv. He just didn't know that it included bailing people out that had obviously committed the crime. People that weren't even members of the church. Then he realized they must want something from him. There was always a price to pay for people like this. </p><p>"Yes, me," he answered.</p><p>"Maybe you were chosen. Maybe this is the path you are meant to go down. I sense much anger in you young Solo. The path to darkness is an easy one. This is the path that leads to destruction. It's time you tried going down a different one."</p><p>Ah. So this was the trade-off. The price for being let out of jail was his soul. Of course it was. He'd been trying to avoid seeing Amilyn Holdo for just this reason. No amount of therapy or church was going to help him get out of this. The only thing that made him feel better was Rey - and he would probably never see her again. </p><p>So really there was no point in all this. He felt bad for the old man. His endeavor would be a short one.  </p><p>Twenty minutes later Ben found himself in a quaint little neighborhood with old houses - likely built in the sixties. A lot of ranch-style homes. It was still warm outside, so it was no surprise that kids were out running around playing, the ladies of the neighborhood watering their plants with their husbands reading their newspapers on the front porch. It was so stereotypically droll, so disgustingly suburban. This was why he'd run off to the city. Not only to get away from his parents, but also to flee the monotony of the typical American family with 2.5 kids. He was not this person. Kaydel wasn’t either.</p><p>Upon crossing the threshold of the little house, Ben took in the small living room. Nothing spectacular. Potted plants scattered here and there. Old photographs covered the walls. But that was only in the spaces not blocked by a bookshelf, and this room had enough books to fill a small library. Ben loved to read. He was never really that interested in going out with friends. Growing up he often found himself locked away in his bedroom, falling into a good book. His parents hated that too. His father was well known in the area for being a high school football star, and his mother was president of their senior class - involved in politics even then. </p><p>They were high school sweethearts, just like he and Kaydel. During the divorce Leia was always trying to push the two back together, but he knew it was because she was projecting her relationship onto his. Most people didn’t end up with their high school sweethearts. But he wanted to - more than anything. </p><p>Once again, he caught himself thinking of Kaydel, but he was interrupted when something smacked him dead in the face.</p><p>He looked down in shock to see a dog toy at his shoes, and up ahead a little old man with his arm in the air.</p><p>"What the hell is your problem <em>deacon</em>?"</p><p>Yoda shuffled up to him, cane in hand. "Snap out of it young Solo! You can't live in the past. Move forward, you must."</p><p>He motioned for Ben to have a seat on the couch. The deacon whistled, and a little Shih Tzu came running out from the hallway and hopped up on the couch next to Ben, licking his face.</p><p>Once the dog had settled down, Ben said, "Do you have a phone? I've got to call my mother to make sure I can get in the house and get my things. I'm sorry to be rude, but I really think I need to get going."</p><p>Tilting his head, the deacon replied, "Your things are already here. Stay with me, you will." </p><p>Ben stood up, "I'm not staying here. I'm sorry, and I appreciate you for bailing me out, but this isn't happening."</p><p>He expected that Yoda would do exactly what his mother usually did, which involved screaming at him until he was too tired to fight it, but he was met with silence. </p><p>This, he thought, was worse. Weren't church people supposed to care a bit more? Be loving and kind, and all of that bullshit?</p><p>He made his way to the door and before he opened it, he said, "I have to go. If my parents ask, tell them I'm going home to the city, and I'm not coming back."</p><p>Yoda nodded. "If you must."</p><p>At that Ben slammed the door behind him and walked back toward the bus stop. He knew his parents wouldn’t care that he would be gone. He was used to it.</p><p>He suddenly realized that with no phone they couldn’t contact him. No one would know how to find him.</p><p>And that’s exactly the way he wanted it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We'll have someone else's POV next...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! If you read my Civil War story, know that I am working on it. It's just a bit more complicated now that we are going back in time. </p><p>Until then, I hope you like this. </p><p>Also thank you to my Star Wars friends who have stuck by me this week. You are some of the best people I know.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What the hell was she doing here?</p><p>Rey Niima crossed her arms as she stood outside of his apartment building – well, what used to be his apartment building – hoping she would find him here.</p><p>It wasn’t a cold night, but the breeze was a bit quick, giving her a slight chill as she walked up the steps leading to the entrance.</p><p>When she got to the top, she saw her first hurdle in the form of a young doorman standing guard just in reach of the door. Maybe he wouldn’t see if she tried to sneak by? It wasn’t like her to pull things like this anymore, but this was important.</p><p>Trying to appear indifferent, she stepped forward as an older woman in front of her pushed her way inside, but felt her arm being pulled back.</p><p>“Excuse me. I can’t let you go up there.”</p><p>Damn.</p><p>She stepped back to respond:</p><p>“I’m sorry. I know someone who lives here. Is there any way you can let me up just this once?”</p><p>He considered her, and Rey grew uncomfortable, feeling like she was under a microscope.</p><p>She tried to appear more innocent by softening her expression.</p><p>“Who are you here to see?” he asked.</p><p>“Ben Solo.”</p><p>At her response his eyes widened, and Rey wondered if that was a good thing. At Ben’s name he seemed a bit more nervous – maybe less confident in his response.</p><p>“I don’t know,” he mulled it over. “What’s your name?”</p><p>Now she was screwed. No way would Ben let her in. He barely knew her. She was only the girl his parents went to church with. But she’d come all the way here, and she had to give it her best shot.</p><p>“Rey Niima.”</p><p>Her heart dropped when he shook his head, “Sorry Ms. Niima.”</p><p>She gave him a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay. Thanks anyway.”</p><p>That was it, she guessed. Ben Solo was gone forever. She’d been frantic finding a babysitter for Mira, then went down her phone list to find someone to take over choir practice. All for nothing.</p><p>And she would never see him again, which left her feeling hollow inside.</p><p>Something was just beginning between them. She knew it. Something was just about to spark.</p><p>“Psst.”</p><p>She turned around and saw the doorman motioning her over to him.</p><p>He cleared his throat and leaned over, “He’s at the bar across the street,” he pointed, “that black building just there.”</p><p>Rey looked up at him in surprise. “Thank you! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” It felt a little too forward, but she reached over to squeeze his arm, and he waved his hand, gifting her with a smile.</p><p>Her flats clicked on the sidewalk as she approached the crosswalk, and once the coast was clear she hurriedly strode forward, eyes on her target.</p><p>When she got closer, she peeked through the window, and there he was, sitting on a barstool staring off into space.</p><p>With more nerve than she ever thought she had, Rey went inside and braced herself to confront the man she’d been dreaming about for weeks.</p><p>*****</p><p>A few weeks before…</p><p> </p><p>“Hi baby!” Rey exclaimed, running up to Mira and squeezing her tightly. She kissed the top of her head and blew a raspberry on her cheek, making her giggle.</p><p>“I wish I could say she was good, but…”</p><p>Finn was used to watching Mira. Without him, Rey didn’t know what she’d do. He was her rock.</p><p>“Mira,” she scolded. “What have you been doing to Uncle Finn? Have you been misbehaving young lady?”</p><p>Rey placed Mira back down onto the ground and tried not to laugh as her daughter delicately laced her fingers together.</p><p>Finn shook his head. “I swear she gets it from you Rey. She’s so precocious.”</p><p>As Mira climbed up onto the couch, Rey thought on it. Her daughter had always been very quiet – pensive – and highly emotional. Her moods were extreme: one moment she was bright and bubbly like other kids. Then, at the drop of a hat, she was moody and sour. And Rey was concerned. Mira didn’t like to play with other children. When she placed her baby in the church nursery, Rey hoped she would learn to socialize a bit better, but every time she picked her up after Mass, Mira was found sitting in a corner with a coloring book by herself.</p><p>It made Rey sad. Very sad.</p><p>Mira deserved so much more than the life Rey tried to give her. It cut Rey deep down inside. And it had started from the moment she was conceived. It was a tragedy – it ripped her heart out piece by piece leaving nothing but trauma and emptiness.</p><p>But her baby – she was the shining light of that darkness. Which made it even more imperative that she do everything she could to give her a normal life – an exceptional life. One so different than Rey’s.</p><p>Rey sat on the couch next to her, looking up at Finn. “Was she really that bad? What’d she do?”</p><p>Finn took out a knife to cut open the onion in front of him. “Well, no more than usual, I guess. She refused to eat the sandwich I made her and threw a ball at my face when I told her she lost at Candyland.”</p><p>That was another thing. Mira hated to lose. Rey had played many games with her little girl, and whenever she lost it was an absolute nightmare.</p><p>Rey grimaced. “Don’t tell me she threw the cards too….”</p><p>Placing the sliced onions into her crockpot, Finn hesitated, and Rey rolled her eyes. “Of course, she did.”</p><p>Finn laughed. “She’s a good kid Rey. You’re doing a good job. I know you stress out about…. well….”</p><p>Rey snorted. “Her moods? Yeah. I do.” She rested her head back onto the back of the couch.</p><p>A silence overtook them, but it was a comforting one. Rey watched her baby color while Finn stirred something delicious in her crockpot. If anyone not knowing them had seen them, they would think this was the perfect Norman Rockwell family. But Rey wasn’t with Finn. Finn had wanted more, but she just couldn’t be with him. It frustrated her. He was handsome, smart – always helping at church with classes – but she wasn’t attracted to him. She’d never really felt that way about anyone…</p><p>Until now.</p><p>Mass was always something robotic for her.</p><p>She’d been in church for about two years, and her faith was still strong – not perfect, but enduring – and this was like any other Sunday.</p><p>As she pulled out that Sunday’s Psalms, she took a deep breath and looked forward, ready to project her voice. </p><p>Normally the lights were so bright that she couldn’t see most people sitting in their pews. A few were noticeable though. And some she always looked for – especially Leia Organa and her husband. They’d been nothing but kind to her from the moment they’d met. She spotted them quickly, giving a quick wink. </p><p>But next to them was someone she’d never seen before. He was very, very noticeable. Maybe because of his height. Though he was sitting, his head sat far above everyone else’s. His hair was very dark, longer than most, but only reaching slightly past his ears. He was good looking.</p><p>Very good looking.</p><p>It was hard to get through the psalm that day. She couldn’t remember what it was about. Only that it pointed her in his direction for the first time.</p><p><em>So brooding</em>, she thought. When she’d walked out with Leia, she wasn’t really sure if he’d been “with them,” so to speak. Maybe he’d come there alone.</p><p>But she breathed a sigh of relief when Leia introduced him.</p><p>He was comical—a near giant—standing there in the parish hall, his head nearly reaching the ceiling of the small space. As Leia moved her forward his eyes narrowed in her direction, and the depth they held was a shock to her system.</p><p>She hadn’t had a chance before losing her virginity to really fall in love or become attracted to someone. But with this man—practically a stranger—she felt a swoosh in her stomach that was foreign.</p><p>It was exciting and terrifying.</p><p>After meeting him she knew she had to leave quickly or else she’d make it obvious that she liked him.</p><p>That next Sunday she’d put on makeup for the first time in years.</p><p>And she was nearly giddy with excitement when she met the Solos for lunch, but nervous. Because what if he took one look at her little girl and decided she was decidedly out of his league? After all, what man would want to be tied down do a single mom? There was already a wide berth between them.</p><p>Leia had told her about Ben’s lack of faith. That was the biggest thing. But that, with time, she thought could be remedied. Maybe she could be the reason he turned to something greater than himself.</p><p>Then there was his age. Surely, he didn’t want to be tied down to someone he probably considered a near-child.</p><p>These were the thoughts that plagued her as she made her way into the restaurant, but once she got settled across from him, she grew more encouraged. Especially seeing how adorably awkward he was with her daughter.</p><p>And that had been a surprise. If Finn had seen the way Mira had taken to Ben so quickly, his eyes would have popped out of his head.</p><p>She wasn’t going to tell her best friend about her new feelings. Rey didn’t want to hurt him. Sometimes she thought he still might have feelings for her. It was the way he was so attached to Mira—so eager to help whenever Rey called him—even at the drop of a hat he would be there.</p><p>Losing him was not an option. And not just because he was there for Mira. She loved him too.</p><p>But it was completely different from the new thoughts that Ben Solo elicited. It was risky to put her heart on the line again—she’d been wronged far too many times. But something in her gut told her it was worth it.</p><p>*****</p><p>Rey gently pushed open the door of the bar and took a deep breath.</p><p>She could do this. She was a brave. Approaching her crush that she’d only known for a few weeks was not a big deal. She’d been through much worse than this.</p><p>But seeing his looming figure bent over the bar sent the butterflies in her stomach into a frenzy, and she had no idea how to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow she did it.</p><p>.</p><p>Lightly tapping him on the shoulder, she braced herself for his reaction.</p><p>He turned slowly and her heart caught in her throat when she saw the look in his eyes. There were deep black circles under them, and she thought what a shame it was to ruin their amber depths with lack of sleep.</p><p>Ben’s mouth hung open, likely shocked that she was standing in front of him.</p><p>
  <em>Think of something Rey. Say something, or he’s going to think you’re crazy. </em>
</p><p>“Um. Hi.”</p><p>
  <em>Seriously? </em>
</p><p>His brow furrowed over those dark eyes as he appraised her, and answered: “Rey? What on earth are you doing here?”</p><p>Yep. Seeing the unbelief on his face was making her feel more insecure, and she had a half a mind to step out, but her faith had taught her to be brave.</p><p>She could do this: for him.</p><p>Rey pulled out the barstool next to him and faced him: “I came to see how you are: if you’re okay. I’d heard you left, and…”</p><p>He laughed, but it wasn’t mirthful. A sarcastic one. <em>A sad one</em>, Rey thought. Something else that was beautiful about him—ruined by whatever he was struggling with.</p><p>“I’m sure my mother told you that, no doubt.” He swallowed down the rest of the whiskey in his glass. “She was always one to take pleasure in my breakdowns. But I’m sure you’ve heard about those by now too, hm?”</p><p>It was shocking to hear him talk about his mother like this. She never knew Leia to be vindictive or hurtful. Something wasn’t matching up.</p><p>“No, she never told me anything.” At that the angry look on his face turned blank. Oh no. It was the wrong thing to say.</p><p>She had to fix this: “I actually grew worried when you didn’t make it to church on Sunday (she was a little more than worried, but she would never admit to it). “I would have asked Leia where you were, but she wasn’t there either. So, I went to Deacon Yoda to see if something had happened. And he said you had gone back to the city.”</p><p>Ben held his hand over his mouth, seemingly deep in thought. She would give a lot to know what was going on inside his mind at that moment.</p><p>He answered, “He’s a nice person, but we didn’t part on the happiest of terms.” His face softened. “I <em>am </em>sorry to have left him so quickly, but…how did you find me?”</p><p>What was this? He’d spoken to Deacon Yoda?</p><p>But explaining how she found him was going to be a bit—well—embarrassing.</p><p>She’d always prided herself on respecting other people’s privacy. Every violation into her personal life, especially during her pregnancy as a single mom, had made her especially empathetic to it.  </p><p>Yes, there were a few ladies at church who’d side-eyed her.</p><p>But once again she’d convinced herself that this was important.</p><p>She wondered how many times she would make excuses for herself just to get to him.</p><p>The first thing she’d done was call Leia but couldn’t reach her—or Han. So, she did the next best thing: Facebook.</p><p>There was no Ben Solo to be found, and this hadn’t surprised her. He didn’t seem the type of person to be on social media anyway.</p><p>But his ex-wife might.</p><p>And Kaydel Connix was not hard to locate.</p><p>Rey was tempted to scroll through her pictures, but she knew it would only make her jealous. Maybe after she got home from this, she’d take some time late at night to assess the woman who’d held Ben Solo’s heart for so long.</p><p>And thankfully, she’d posted her cell phone number on her profile.</p><p>Next, Rey used the number on google to backtrack to her old addresses, and voila: there it was.</p><p>So now she had to explain this to her crush in a way that didn’t make her sound like a stalker.</p><p>“Well, I just looked up your name in the White Pages. Easy enough.” She hoped he would believe her, and he seemed to if his calm expression was any indication.</p><p>When he didn’t respond, she continued. “Anyway, why did you leave? I thought everything was going well. I missed seeing you at church.”</p><p>His cheeks pinked. Interesting.</p><p>“You mean Leia didn’t tell you?” he asked.</p><p>“No. I told you. I haven’t spoken to her. What’s wrong?” <em>Please trust me</em>, she thought.</p><p>He tilted his head. “I find it surprising she didn’t feel the need to share this with everyone, but I got into a fight with my ex-best friend.” He motioned to the bartender for another drink, “punched him out.”</p><p>It should have been a warning: stay away. <em>This man is going through something that might be too dangerous for you to handle. </em></p><p>But Rey had dealt with dangerous before. This was just a broken man.</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I know divorce is a hard thing. Why don’t you just come back? Keep coming to Mass?”</p><p>He scoffed at her, “Yeah right. Like my parents want me anywhere near them. They hate me. And I hate them.”</p><p>They were harsh words, but it was all a show of false strength.</p><p>“You don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to. It’s okay to have healthy boundaries, even with your parents. You could start over—build your own life.”</p><p>Ben paused to take another drink: “Well. Yoda seemed to think it would be a good idea if I lived with him for a while.”</p><p>Rey laughed. Yoda really was the sweetest man. Nothing about this surprised her. “I think it would be good for you.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Ben said. “I get the feeling he wants to tutor me like that boy on the Karate Kid. I’m not interested in being molded by anyone or anything.” There was hint there—that maybe he was referring to the Church. Nothing Rey hadn’t heard before. But the reference made her giggle.</p><p>And his eyes sparkled.</p><p>“Now<em> that</em> is a good movie. And Deacon Yoda is definitely a master,” she joked. “But in all seriousness, just think about it. Come back. You can make new family—make things different. We really miss you at church.”</p><p>His voice was small when he replied, “I’m never missed.”</p><p>It cut her deep inside. His spirit was dead.</p><p>She reached out her hand and placed it over his on the bar. “You <em>are</em>.”</p><p>Rey couldn’t interpret his expression—but maybe, just maybe, there was a glimmer of hope there.</p><p>“Okay, Rey. I’ll come back.”</p><p>His smile was blinding.</p><p>She would bring him forward—she would save him.</p><p>Because Ben Solo was worth it. Worth any potential heartache she could suffer.</p><p>There was no doubt in her: this broken man would be made whole, and once he was, she would never let him go again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's okay Rey. I stalk Ben Solo too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben looked over from the passenger's seat and noticed Rey's hands were shaking. </p><p>"Are you cold?" he asked.</p><p>She looked at him, confused, "Ben. It's seventy degrees outside."</p><p>God he's an idiot. She makes him feel so incredibly nervous he can hardly function. </p><p>Did it feel like this when he was with Kaydel? He thought back to when they were dating, but that was in high school. Wasn't it normal to be a nervous wreck when you're in high school? Especially Ben. He wasn't exactly the most social kid. His group of friends was small. Not popular, but not on the outskirts: just average. </p><p>Ben wondered what kind of student Rey would have been. Was she popular? Did she have a lot of friends? </p><p>How old was she anyway? Probably in her twenties, and looking at her now, he thought early twenties. She was practically perfect as far as looks went. But Ben knew he'd think that no matter what age she was. </p><p>"Is everything okay?" </p><p>She knocked him out of his reverie, and he realized he'd been staring at her. "Yeah, everything's good. Just thinking."</p><p>She smiled. "I know you're worried, but there's nothing to worry about. Once you get squared away with the deacon, we'll figure things out." Ben watched her twirl a piece of hair by her ear and wondered if it was something she did when she was nervous. </p><p>Did he make her nervous? </p><p>"We?" he asked. </p><p>Rey bit her lip. "I mean you." When they hit a stop light she looked over at him. "You, I mean - well - I can help you." She waved her hands around, "Only if you want me to though."</p><p>She leaned back in her seat and huffed. Ben tried not to laugh. </p><p>Yep. She was definitely nervous. He didn't want to convince himself that she liked him, but maybe now he wouldn't have to. He'd never had a girl act like this around him before. Kaydel was always so sure of herself. She could have had anyone she wanted, and somehow she chose him - at least back then she did. Other women he'd dated were cut from the same cloth.</p><p>But not Rey. She was - he had a hard time thinking of the word: unassuming? Definitely pure, despite having a daughter outside of marriage. That was another topic he was very curious about. Who was Mira's father, and where the hell was he? Maybe he'd abandoned them, and the mere thought of it made his hands clench tightly in his lap. How anyone could leave Rey was beyond him. How anyone could leave that precious little girl was beyond him too. </p><p>That reminded him: "Where's Mira?"</p><p>It looked like she was surprised. "She's fine. My friend Finn is watching her. Probably asleep by now."</p><p>He felt guilty. She had driven all the way out here for him, leaving her little girl alone with a babysitter? </p><p>Ben didn't feel worthy of all the attention. No one had ever put so much effort into him in such a short time. </p><p>And he definitely wanted more information on Finn. He couldn't ask her if he was her boyfriend without revealing his intentions, so he had to be sly about it. </p><p>"How long have you been together?" he asked. If he assumed they were already together it wouldn't seem so conspicuous. Maybe. </p><p>She almost looked angry at the assumption. "Oh no, Finn isn't my boyfriend. He's not my anything. I mean, he is, he's my best friend, but that's all he is really. We've known each other a really long time. I mean we hardly ever see each other, so I'm single.....yeah."</p><p>He couldn't help the chuckle that came out of his mouth. "Okay. Good to know." Definitely nervous. He wanted to see if he could push a little more: "So you're not with..."</p><p>"Anyone."</p><p>This wasn't going to be as easy as he thought. "No I mean with..." he motioned to Mira's car seat in the back. </p><p>A cloud passed over Rey's eyes, and he regretted the question instantly. She spoke in small voice, one he'd not heard before. "No. I'm not." </p><p>Maybe he was crazy to keep going, but he was desperate to know everything he could about her past. "If you don't mind me asking, where is he?" </p><p>He could see her jaw clench, and he knew he'd asked the wrong question. </p><p>"He's not here." </p><p>And that was the end of that. </p><p>They drove the rest of the way in silence, which lead to Ben thinking about his current situation. It wasn't surprising that his parents hadn't come for him. His mother had clearly expressed that in the voicemail she'd left him. And they'd done it before years ago. It was really no shock.</p><p>It was a shock, however, to see Armitage Hux sitting in his parents' dining room, helping himself like he hadn't been fucking around with Ben's <em>wife</em>. And Han and Leia so clearly chose everything in their lives over him. Growing up it was his mother's career. She was obsessed  to the point where she was taking better care of her constituents than her own son. His father was better, but still emotionally distant, likely a result of his upbringing. His parents weren't exactly the cuddly type, at least from what Ben heard (they'd died before he was born). </p><p>So the fact that they were absent yet again? No surprise there. At least they were consistent.</p><p>But Rey. She hardly knew him, and yet she'd gone out of her way to bring him back. The first person to ever remember him. </p><p>"Rey?" he asked. </p><p>"Yes?" </p><p>He couldn't read her mood since that last question, but he hoped she'd forgiven him for it. "Why did you come to bring me back? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you did, but you hardly know me. Why?"</p><p>She left him waiting a long time for an answer, just staring out at the road, making a few turns before she answered: "I told you. We missed you at church."</p><p>He scoffed. "The only people that knew me at that church were my parents and you." </p><p>"Deacon Yoda and Father Qui Gon missed you." </p><p>Sure, they might have noticed he was gone, but the priest had seen him by accident after he'd been arrested, and the deacon had been called by the priest.  It was all happenstance. </p><p>"I don't know about that," he said. "But why did <em>you</em> come?"</p><p>Her hands were shaking again at the wheel, and he knew she'd reach up to twirl that piece of hair behind her ear. </p><p>Yep. There it was. <em>Nervous</em>. </p><p>"I don't know. I just wanted to. It's what God would want me to do." </p><p>"Oh." That was disappointing. So she'd seen he missed a Sunday and did the right thing. It had nothing to do with him. Not really. </p><p>Feeling dejected, he decided to leave her alone. After a few minutes more, he looked at his watch: 9:00PM. </p><p>"I'm so sorry Rey. I didn't realize it was so late." </p><p>She shook her head. "Don't worry about it. No big deal. I'm not tired. Besides, I don't live too far from the deacon." The dark circles under her eyes told him a different story. </p><p>"It's a nice neighborhood, I'll give him that. Mira must like it. It seems like there are a lot of kids there."</p><p>"Oh, well I don't live in that neighborhood exactly. I live by the train line, which is about ten minutes from there." </p><p>Ben had lived here almost his whole life, and knew every neighborhood, and this part of town he knew well. He certainly didn't live there, and neither did his friends. Private school kids didn't come from that part of town. It was a common joke among them: the trailer parks, the run down housing projects -- and Ben was surprised to find out that that's where she lived. </p><p>It worried him. She shouldn't be out there alone, not even for a minute, especially this late at night. </p><p>"Rey, why don't you just go straight home first, and I'll take the bus. I know the lines. It's no problem. Just so I can make sure you're okay."</p><p>He really hoped she wouldn't argue with him, but by the look on her face he braced himself for the pushback. </p><p>"Oh no, Ben. I've lived over there for a long time. I'm used to it. Nothing will happen to me. Besides, there's no way I'm letting you ride the bus this late at night." </p><p>It was laughable that this woman thought Ben could be in danger when he stood like a monolith over nearly every person in existence, but he didn't want to make fun of her. </p><p>"Rey, please let me. It's least I can do after what you've done for me. Please?"</p><p>He could tell she was used to winning battles like this, and being a single mom, he was sure she was the independent type, but he wasn't going to take no for an answer.</p><p>"Well, I don't like it, but if that's what you want." </p><p>She had no idea just how much he wanted, and it was a lot more than this.</p><p>"It is."</p><p>*****</p><p>Rey parked the car in front of a dingy apartment building, but not the worst Ben had ever seen. The complex must have been built long after he'd left town. But then again, what reason would he have had to come to this part of town?</p><p>He definitely had a reason now. </p><p>She got out of the car, and headed up the stairs, but turned mid stride. “Ben you don't have to literally walk me to the door. I've done this a million times." And for some reason he got the feeling that deep down she wasn't used to being taken care of like this. Neither was he. </p><p>Giving her a stern look she sighed and turned to climb the rest of the way, coming to a stop in front a door on the second floor. </p><p>He watched her fiddle with her keys for a moment, and when she finally found the right one she turned to him, "Do you...do you want to come in for a moment? I could make coffee. If that's what you like. Or tea too! I have plenty of tea. Whatever kind you like...."</p><p>Listening to this girl ramble was a new turn on he hadn't expected. He could watch her mouth move for hours, he thought. And then of course that made him think of other more inappropriate things those lips could be doing and struggled to clear his mind. </p><p>She deserved more than some guy who would treat her like an object. No way would he ever do that to her. Kaydel was into all kinds of crazy things in the bedroom, and he was all for it. Any man would be. </p><p>And there was nothing wrong with that.</p><p>But <em>this</em> woman. He wanted to reach her on a different level. To unwrap her delicately: mentally--and hopefully at some point--physically.</p><p>Whatever she was willing to give he would take. No matter how small. So a cup of coffee sounded just right to him. </p><p>"Coffee is fine."</p><p>Rey took a deep breath and opened the door. </p><p>But by the look on her face he knew she'd forgotten one very important detail.</p><p>Finn.</p><p>Finn, who looked up from her sofa with an expression Ben couldn't read. It definitely wasn't a friendly one. </p><p>"Hey!" Rey walked over to put her purse down on the counter and looked between Finn and Ben. </p><p>"Hey." Finn said. </p><p>By the tone of his voice he did not seem happy. </p><p>"Was she okay? Did she behave?" Rey asked. </p><p>Finn put his hands on his hips and widened his stance. "She was perfect. Who is this?" </p><p>It would be better to be on his good side, so for Rey he tried to be as friendly as possible.  "Hey. I'm Ben."</p><p>He reached out to shake Finn's hand, but was left hanging. So he awkwardly pulled it back to his side. </p><p>Okay so he was going to play it like <em>that</em>. </p><p>Finn glared at Rey. "So is this where you were this whole time? Going on a date with him?" </p><p>Ben looked over at Rey and saw her face turn a little pink. </p><p><em>Blushing</em>. What did that mean? Was she embarrassed to put be in that position? He wasn't exactly a catch, but he'd like to think a woman wouldn't be ashamed to be coupled with him. </p><p>"Well, I was at Leia's and Ben had called and said his car broke down, so I offered to go pick him up."</p><p>Now she's lying, and it was an extraordinary one. Why? </p><p>Finn snorted. "Yeah, well. Mira's asleep. Dinner's in the fridge for you." He leaned walked over to give her a hug, and he gave her a kiss on the cheek. It looked like they'd done it a thousand times before. </p><p>Ben was jealous. Very jealous. He wanted this with her. And this guy was throwing it in his face on purpose. Rey wouldn't think so, being the sweet person she was, but Ben was a man. He knew what Finn was trying to communicate: <em>She's mine. </em></p><p>At first he admittedly felt threatened, but stood a little taller knowing that she had come all that way for <em>him. </em>She'd made arrangements for her daughter so that she could see <em>him</em>.</p><p>And he knew he had nothing to worry about. </p><p>"Thank you. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry it was so last minute." </p><p>"It's no problem Rey. You know I'll always be here for you. Whatever you need. Love you." </p><p>"Love you too," she said. </p><p>Finally, Finn walked out and Ben let out the breath he'd been holding. </p><p>Rey crinkled her nose, "I'm so sorry about that. I don't know why he acted like that. It's not like him. Let me get you some coffee. How do you take it?"</p><p>He took a seat at the very, very small table she had. "Black is fine." </p><p>As she shuffled around the kitchen, Ben took the opportunity to look around, noticing the little plants she'd placed in the window sill above the sink. There were pictures hung on the wall next to his head, one of Rey holding baby Mira, and he smiled. Next to it was a picture of Rey, Finn, and Mira at the park, Mira swinging happily. Then on the left a picture of Rey surrounded by people he didn't know. But then recognized his mother among them. So this must have been taken at a church function. </p><p>The apartment was tiny. </p><p>Every room bled into the other. She barely had room enough for this little table. His parents' dining room could take up the entire space. </p><p>The couch they found Finn on had seen better days. So had the old carpet beneath it. </p><p>There was no TV, but there were a few books scattered on her old coffee table, some of them children's books, which made him smile. </p><p>"Ugh. Ben could you help me? I can't quite reach." She was hopping up, reaching for the coffee. "I don't know why it's up there. Maybe Mira got into it and Finn had to place it up high."</p><p>"She can climb that high?" Ben asked. </p><p>"Ohhh yes. She's like a little monkey. Very smart." </p><p>He stood next to her and reached up to grab it. He couldn't help but notice the crackers he'd bought her on the shelf. There was a case of Ramen and a few pasta sides, as well as some children’s snacks Ben had never seen before. </p><p>It pissed him off. </p><p>Why was she living like this? </p><p>She must have noticed a change in his demeanor, because she reached over and put a hand on his forearm. "Ben. What's wrong?"</p><p>Under any other circumstance he would have been giddy feeling her touch him, but he was too distracted. </p><p>He walked over to her fridge and found exactly what he was expecting: practically empty. </p><p>"Rey." He tried to keep himself from shaking, but he felt like he was on the verge of exploding. "Is this all you have?"</p><p>She folded her arms. "Yes. I haven't gone to the store in a while. I'm going tomorrow though." </p><p>She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. </p><p>"This is unacceptable!" He began to pace in her living room (if it could even be called that, since it was really part of one large room that made up her apartment).</p><p>"Excuse me. What exactly are you trying to say?"</p><p>He knew he shouldn't have said it, especially since he was trying to impress her, to make her think he wasn't just some asshole who had breakdowns. Who punched people out and got himself arrested. </p><p>But the urge was too strong, and she was far too lax. "I'm saying you shouldn't be living like this. No one should be living like this. I mean you have barely any food -- you live in a shoebox. I mean....Mira has hardly any room to even play!" He knew it was absolutely none of his business, but that familiar all consuming rage coursed through his veins. </p><p>"None of this concerns you Ben. It's none of your business. My daughter is none of your business. I'm...I'm a <em>good</em> Mom. I take care of my daughter. And if you don't think what I have is enough, you can get the hell out of my house. <em>Now</em>." </p><p>No, no, no. This wasn't what he wanted. It was the opposite of what he wanted. But of course, as usual, he had to ruin things. </p><p>He walked up to her slowly, "Rey I'm so sorry. That's not what I mean. I would never, ever imply that. You're obviously a wonderful mother. I just -- I want to make sure you're okay."</p><p>She was shaking like a leaf the closer he got. She wasn't afraid of him. </p><p>Was she? </p><p>He was so close he could see her eyes pooling with tears, and he hated himself for it. </p><p>She'd spent the night looking for him. Now he'd spent it tearing her down. </p><p>He softened his voice. "I'm sorry Rey. I really didn't mean it that way." He wanted to reach out and hold her so badly it hurt, but he knew she wouldn't let him. Not in this state or any other. </p><p>She wiped a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek and looked up. "It's okay. I forgive you. I just -- I just don't want pity. And I don't need help. From anyone. Okay?"</p><p>What she wanted was the impossible: for Ben not to act. He was ready run down to the nearest car dealership, buy an SUV, and fill it to the brim with groceries for her. And maybe if he was <em>really</em> crazy he'd buy her a new house and a swing set for Mira. </p><p>But she didn't want it. Rey was tough. He wanted to respect her wishes. </p><p>So for now he'd let it go. But at some point, something would have to change. And maybe if he couldn't convince Rey, his mother could. </p><p>And that got him thinking: the Solo house was practically a castle compared to this tiny hovel, with rooms to spare. </p><p>Why in the world would his parents not invite her to stay? They had plenty of room.</p><p>Leia. How could she let Rey live like this? </p><p>"You know what? I think I should leave. It's late, and I'm sure you'd like to rest," he said. </p><p>Her eyes widened. "Oh. Um. Okay. Thank you for walking me in." </p><p>He was afraid he'd scared her away, but her smile was as bright as ever.</p><p>"You're welcome Rey. But just promise me, that if you need anything you'll tell me. Please?"</p><p>She nodded. "I will. I promise." </p><p>"Good. Goodnight Rey."</p><p>"Goodnight Ben." </p><p>As he walked down to the bus stop, he knew he'd completely ruined this night. But he'd have to think about that later. Because the fire inside him hadn't gone out. </p><p>He wasn't going home yet. He had a stop to make first. He had a few things to say to Leia Organa. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*Happy New Year!*</p>
<p>I would like to dedicate this chapter to the memory of my sponsor, our deacon, who recently died from cancer. He was a kind man with a gentle spirit, but like Yoda, never afraid to tell the truth.</p>
<p>This is for you Ed.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was about to bang on the door when he remembered that Leia kept a spare key under the mat. After turning it, his hands almost shaking he was so angry, he stormed into his childhood home and called out for her.</p>
<p>“Leia!” he shouted.</p>
<p>No answer. All that can be heard is the ticking of her small white clock on the mantle. He tried again:</p>
<p>“Leia! Get down here now!” Han would be pissed to be woken up at this hour (which frankly wasn’t even that late, but for his parents it might as well be midnight).</p>
<p>After hearing a door slam upstairs and the deep rumbling of his father’s voice, he saw his mother descend the stairs, wrapping the tie of her silk robe around her waist.</p>
<p>She looked more bewildered than angry. But that didn’t work for Ben. He was here for a fight.</p>
<p>“Benjamin. What on earth are you doing here at this hour?”</p>
<p>He probably would have eased into this had he slept on it, but Ben always did things impulsively, which was one of the reasons why he’d gotten himself into this mess. How he <em>always</em> got himself into a mess. And this was poking the dragon. He knew that.</p>
<p>But for Rey he would risk it. He’s finding himself doing a lot of risky and non-Ben-like things since he’s met her.</p>
<p>“Why are you letting her live like this mother?” he nearly shouts.</p>
<p>The look of confusion further infuriated him, so he clarified: “<em>Rey</em>.”</p>
<p>Leia tilted her head in confusion. “What about Rey?”</p>
<p>“She lives in a shoebox. A fucking shoebox with hardly any food in her pantry. Barely even enough for her to get by, let alone her daughter. So, I want to know why you’re allowing this to happen Leia.”</p>
<p>She puffed out her chest, “Excuse me? You came strolling back into this house after you’ve been told to stay away, and now you’ve pushed your way in <em>unannounced</em> to lecture me on something like this? Rey is an independent person. She can take care of herself. And frankly her life is none of my business. And neither is it yours Ben.”</p>
<p>She was right about that. He could hear Rey’s voice in his head. How she’d told him the same. But he knew she was just being stubborn. She probably wasn’t used to accepting help. A little voice pulls at him, telling him that she’s clearly accepted Finn’s help, and that Ben was somehow defective. But he knew he was getting ahead of himself. Rey barely knew him.</p>
<p>But somehow, she’d attached her pretty face to his heart, and he couldn’t get rid of it. It was wrapped around so tight that he could barely breathe. It was making him even more irrational than normal. And that was saying a lot. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if she <em>actually</em> liked him. Or went out on a date with him.</p>
<p>God, a date. He would probably faint from nerves. He didn’t know how he even rode in that car with her for so long without combusting.</p>
<p>But he must focus. He’s here on a mission.</p>
<p>“Oh, but I thought you were a Christian now mother! I thought that was what Christians were supposed to do! What’s that verse, it’s….<em>feed the hungry, welcome the homeless</em>?” Ben had no idea what he was saying because he hadn’t cracked a Bible open one day in his life. But neither had his mother. “And you would willingly let her struggle like that when you could easily move her in here. There’s plenty of room, and you know it. You just don’t want anyone cramping your style. You don’t want to have to actually take care of someone else. Hell, why would you? You never took care of me!”</p>
<p>His throat was beginning to swell, and his lips grew tight, trying to hold it all inside. But this wasn’t about him.</p>
<p>Han must have given up on sleep. His form could be seen lumbering down the stairs, and now he stood behind his wife observing the exchange with annoyance. He was used to it. But the interesting aspect of this argument was this new added element of “Rey,” and he’d never seen his son act so passionately about a woman. Not even with Kaydel. He would always talk about Kay as if she were the only person that ever loved him. How even though he didn’t have his parents, his wife would be standing staunchly at his side.</p>
<p>But this new Ben was defending his new interest for <em>her</em> sake, not his. And if Han’s curiosity didn’t outweigh his fury over his son yelling at his wife, he would have stopped this. But he wanted to see where it led.</p>
<p>Leia’s fists were now down at her sides, clenching tightly. After a moment she finally unleashed on him:</p>
<p>“I did offer to let Rey and Mira stay here. I offered many times, but she refused. She refused because she’s a strong, confident person who can take care of herself. She’s not prone to immature fits of rage and whining like you! She is everything good that you are not!...”<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>“Leia….” Han called for her, the tone in his voice a warning.</p>
<p>“And you never will be because you’re nothing! A loser! You will never get any better. I didn’t want to take care of you because I was busy, Ben. I had a career to look after. So did your father. We were busy trying to put a roof over your head. But did I ever get a ‘thank you’? Any bit of appreciation from you? No! All I ever got was your whining and bitching and crying, and I just couldn’t take it anymore! The day we threw you out was the best day of my damned life. And when you were in the hospital it was all I could do to not wish for you to have….”</p>
<p>“Stop!!!” Ben fell to his knees and put his hands over his ears in a desperate attempt to drown it all out. It was too much. Everything he’d suspected all his life about his mother hating him was true. It was all so true. It was so comforting to think that he was just being sensitive. That he knew his mother loved him. He was just being irrational. But now she’d done it. She’d made it perfectly clear.</p>
<p>He was nothing.</p>
<p>And his bright, beautiful Rey was everything he wasn’t. Leia preferred her. Could he blame her?</p>
<p>To his benefit, Han walked over to Ben and tried to talk to him, but Ben wasn’t present. His mind shut down, had gone completely numb. He knew there were tears flowing, but couldn’t register it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he finally dropped his hands away, he looked up and saw his father pointing at him, and then pointing at Leia, -“and you really think that telling him this will fix it? Look at him Leia! You did this to him! You messed him up for good. He’s just like your damn father!”</p>
<p>Ben stared into space as his father stormed off to the kitchen, leaving him with his mother.</p>
<p>His <em>mother</em>?</p>
<p>That word didn’t sound right anymore. In fact, it had never sounded right.</p>
<p>It was time to face the music. He was alone. He didn’t have the love of his wife, the one person who loved him. He didn’t have a childhood home to go to. And he couldn’t go back to church because Rey probably hated him for imposing himself on her.</p>
<p>With shaky knees, he rose from the floor, saying nothing.</p>
<p>He expected Leia to plead with him, to ask for forgiveness, but she just stood there, resolute in her cruelty.</p>
<p>Fine.</p>
<p>He walked out the door to the bus stop, completely numb. Distantly, he thought he should just check himself into the hospital, but what good had that done him before? So, he rode the bus up and down the line, staring out the window with dead eyes, until the sun slowly rose through the clouds.</p>
<p>When the bus driver called out a familiar street name, he didn’t know why, but he got off and hopped onto the sidewalk. All he could hear were the sounds of early morning as he made his way down the street to the only place he could think of. </p>
<p>And of course. Lo and behold. A small figure was also making his way down the street, leash in hand, little dog prancing along. The dog sniffed the air, and upon seeing Ben, pulled on the leash, racing forward to greet him.</p>
<p>Ben bent down and let the dog jump over his knees, licking the dried tear tracks off his face. He would have smiled; except he was still too sad to react.</p>
<p>“Well, Ben Solo. Seeing you here, funny it is.”</p>
<p>He stood up, looking down on Deacon Yoda, wanting to smile but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t find his voice.</p>
<p>“Hmmm. Ready to come home, are you?” Yoda asked.</p>
<p>All Ben could do was nod.</p>
<p>*****</p>
<p>After they walked over the threshold, Ben fell onto the couch, waiting for the deacon take a seat and give him the lecture he probably deserved.</p>
<p>Wasn’t that what people were always doing? Giving him lectures about how horrible he was? How he was nothing?</p>
<p>“Would you like something to drink young Solo?” he asked.</p>
<p>“I guess.” He was determined to say as little as possible.</p>
<p>Yoda shuffled into the kitchen, leaning on his cane and filled his tea kettle. Ben was never one for tea, but he was too tired to object. Once Yoda took his seat beside him on the couch, handing the tea over, Ben started to cry. It was uncontrollable. And the tears flowing freely weren’t new. They’d been buried deep within his soul for years, suppressed for so long. For as many times as his mother said he “whined,” Ben made it a point never to cry in her presence or anyone else’s if he could help it.</p>
<p>But lately that had been a difficult feat to accomplish.</p>
<p>They sat there in silence, Ben staring at his teacup, and Yoda staring at him.</p>
<p>“Young Solo….”</p>
<p>“Please don’t call me by that name. I want nothing to do with it,” Ben said, more frustrated than angry.</p>
<p>Yoda squinted his eyes, and Ben prepared himself for a retort, but got none:</p>
<p>“Hmmm. Your name matters not. It’s who you are that counts.”</p>
<p><em>Great</em>, Ben thought. <em>It’s <span class="u">Karate Kid</span> time already</em>.</p>
<p>Ben rolled his eyes. “What does that even mean? Who I am?” He pointed to himself, “I’m nothing. Don’t you know that? I’m literally nothing. Nothing to my mother. Invisible to my father. An unlovable husband, and a nuisance to….”</p>
<p>He almost said her name, but thankfully he stopped himself. It would do no good to let the deacon know about his new-found feelings for Rey. He sensed that Yoda could read him like a book, and it made him uncomfortable. He knew his secret was safe in this space, but it was his to keep, something to clutch tightly to his heart like hidden treasure. He wanted it all for himself.  And it was admittedly a little embarrassing. Because it was laughable that a screwed up mental case like him could ever have a chance with such blinding, pure radiance.</p>
<p>Ben continued, “Anyway. I’m sorry I came here. I just…I just had nowhere else to go.”</p>
<p>“Hmmm. Down the hall, your bedroom is. Get some rest young Solo.”</p>
<p>At that, Yoda got up and went into his study, sitting behind his desk to write.</p>
<p>Ben stood in the hallway outside his door. “So, you have nothing to say to me? No nuggets of wisdom?” Ben tried to leave the snark out of it, but he couldn’t bite it back.  “You don’t want to use this golden opportunity to convert me? Tell me that Jesus loves me even if my parents don’t?”</p>
<p>Yoda tilted his head forward in amusement. “Ready at 8:00AM, you will be.” He adjusted his glasses and took up his pen again.</p>
<p>“Ready for what?” Ben asked.</p>
<p>“A court date today you have, young Solo. We go in front of the judge to settle your dispute with Mr. Hux.”</p>
<p>How the old deacon knows this surpasses Ben’s understanding, and frankly he doesn’t care. He’s too emotionally drained to ask. He must have gotten a notice in the mail but dismissed it.</p>
<p>He simply gives his assent and lumbers down the hall to the guest bedroom and falls onto the bed that’s far too small for him.</p>
<p>*****</p>
<p>Ben woke from his nap to the feel of sloppy kisses from the little dog, and he couldn’t help but smile.</p>
<p>“Hello buddy. How are you this morning? What is your name anyway?” Ben pulled the license out from the dog’s blue collar and saw the name “Artoo” delicately engraved above the deacon’s address and phone number.</p>
<p>“Artoo. Strange name. Do you even like that name? Kind of weird.”</p>
<p>Artoo barked, and Ben got the distinct feeling that he agreed.</p>
<p>He laid back down and closed his eyes, intent on snoozing a bit longer, but the little dog yipped and barked at him until he finally gave up and made his way into the living room.</p>
<p>Sitting there on the couch reading was the deacon, already dressed, what little hair he had left combed back a bit more than usual.</p>
<p>“Ah, young Solo. Glad you’re awake, I am. We leave in thirty minutes.”</p>
<p>Ben grumbled. “I take it we’re taking the bus all the way there.”</p>
<p>Yoda looked over his newspaper and giggled. “Yes, young Solo. There will be no Ubers today.”</p>
<p>Ugh.</p>
<p>Ben had finally purchased a new phone while back in the city and was desperate to use it – anything to keep from stalling this meeting. He was anxious to get it over with. He wasn’t afraid of standing in front of a judge because he’d been there before. But he definitely didn’t want to be in the same room with Hux again. He would never take back what he did, but deep down inside he felt little sliver of shame and embarrassment. He didn’t want to act out in anger like that anymore. He wanted to be calmer, more mature.</p>
<p>But right now, his heart was rung out, and his pride demolished into oblivion. Any ounce of self confidence or self-respect he had was destroyed by his moth- by that woman. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of losing his cool. That’s what she wanted. To make herself look even more the martyr she thought she was. And if he acted out in court, she’d inevitably hear about it.</p>
<p>Maybe she’d even be there: cheering Hux on while basking in the glory of Ben’s defeat.</p>
<p>Someone else could be there though. Someone with sparkling green eyes and a shy smile. Maybe <em>she’d</em> be sitting on his side, silently sitting as his bulwark, his calm in the storm.</p>
<p>As they entered the court room, though, he saw neither woman. And when he took his seat, he bowed his head, not wanting to see the look on Hux’s face. He could see his ridiculous mane of red hair in his periphery. And the truth hit him: he could go to jail for this. His eyes stung, thinking about how utterly hopeless it would feel to be locked away again, isolated from everyone he knew and thrown into a hell of his own making.</p>
<p>The chair beside him scraped backward, and Ben raised up and looked over, expecting to see the deacon, when in fact it was Father Qui Gon.</p>
<p>Father gave him a light pat on the back. “Good Morning Ben. How are you?”</p>
<p>“Um. Fine? I guess.” He’s at a loss, because he had no idea the priest would be here, and he suddenly felt very conspicuous sitting next to a holy man.</p>
<p>Qui Gon gave him a warm smile. “Good. I’m glad. Would it be okay if we helped you with the judge?”</p>
<p>Ben, frankly, was too shocked to say no. “Sure. Yes, that’s fine.”</p>
<p>They stood as the judge made her way in and sat when she took her place.</p>
<p>“After going over your case Mr. Solo I think we’ve got this handled. The church and Mr. Hux’s attorney have come to an agreement that may be more amenable to you than going to jail. Though I personally think that’s where you should go.” She took her glasses off and stared down at Ben. “I’ve seen the evidence Mr. Solo, and what you did is outrageous. Outrageous! Is there anything you’d like to say at this time?”</p>
<p>Ben was still processing what she said about this agreement with the church when he shook his head ‘no.’</p>
<p>“Fine.” She put her glasses back on. “Mr. Solo in lieu of three months’ jail time you will be required to perform a minimum of two-hundred hours of community service at the Church of St. James, the times at Mr. Qui Gon’s discretion. And that’s still sufficient for your party, counsel?”</p>
<p>Hux’s lawyer signaled in the affirmative, and the judge threw down her gavel. “Dismissed.”</p>
<p>*****</p>
<p>After walking out of the building, Ben stood in a circle next to the priest and the deacon and couldn’t believe he got out of jail time. It’s even crazier to think that he’s now in the presence of both a deacon and a priest, and old Ben would have laughed to see this moment.</p>
<p>“Thank you, um, Father. I appreciate your help,” Ben said, reaching out to shake the priest’s hand.</p>
<p>Qui Gon laughed, returning the gesture, “Oh, don’t thank me yet. After one week with me you may regret that remark Ben.”</p>
<p>“So, when do I start?” Ben asked.</p>
<p>Father sighed. “Well, I think it would be wise for you to learn a little about our church, about our faith so that you can better understand how things work. I think we’ll have you sit in on our RCIA class this year. What do you think deacon?”</p>
<p>Yoda had this look on his face, and Ben has seen it before, a mischievous one: “An excellent idea, that is. Have our RCIA director email Ben Solo the material he needs, and he can start Monday.”</p>
<p>“I’ll call him when I get back to the church.”</p>
<p>Father Qui Gon exchanged the same odd look with the deacon, and Ben felt like he was with his parents again, watching them silently communicate something about him, and it’s a bit grating. He’s tired, ready to go home and lay down.</p>
<p>*****</p>
<p>They don’t speak much on the bus ride back, and Ben is thankful. After they go in, the deacon asks Ben for his email address so the church can contact him, and not ten minutes later he sees an email:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>To: <a href="mailto:RCIAteam@St.James.org">RCIAteam@St.James.org</a></p>
<p>From: <a href="mailto:Finn.Starr@St.James.org">Finn.Starr@St.James.org</a></p>
<p>Hello Team!</p>
<p>Hope you are all doing well! We are excited to see you on Monday for our first RCIA class! We’ve been looking forward to seeing you in person for the first time.</p>
<p>Please note that class starts at 6:30pm and will end at 8:30pm. Snacks and drinks will be provided.</p>
<p>If you do not have a Bible, please know that we will be providing them for you. Our first class will be easy, an overview of what we’ll be doing this year.</p>
<p>Should you have any questions before then, please contact myself or our Team Lead Rey Niima (<a href="mailto:Rey.Niima@St.James.org">Rey.Niima@St.James.org</a>)  Please don’t hesitate to reach out. We look forward to seeing you.</p>
<p>Thanks and Blessings,</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Finn Starr</p>
<p>Director of Education</p>
<p>Church of St. James</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At first Ben groans, seeing that the class is two hours long. He can hardly stand to sit in church for an hour each week, let alone two—at night. And Finn. He'll have to spend hours in his presence too, which is annoying.</p>
<p>But his heart stops and his eyes light up when he sees her name typed there:</p>
<p>Rey.</p>
<p><em>She’s</em> going to be there, and he’s already giddy with excitement. He’ll get to spend two whole hours with her a week. It’s practically a miracle. And what’s more, this is supposed to be a punishment. But all he can think is how grateful he is. He can feel the weight of his sorrow lifting ever so slowly, the depth of his darkness pierced by her brilliant light, and he decides this is it for him. Just the <em>thought </em>of her does this to him.</p>
<p>But he’s nervous. She may still be mad at him for getting so angry with her the night before. But he’s determined. He’ll show her he’s different.</p>
<p>He placed his phone on the coffee table and smiled, eager for Monday to come.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"May the splendor of your majesty, O Lord, we pray, shed its light upon our hearts, that we may pass through the shadows of this world and reach the brightness of our eternal home. Through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen."</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we are, back to our church babies. btw it’s 2am. If there are errors I don’t care LOL. </p><p>FLUFF WARNING ⚠️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Ben had been living with Deacon Yoda for a few days and so far, he hadn’t had a moment’s peace. Ben wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t used to having someone care about him. Sure, his parents provided all the necessities growing up: a roof over his head, three meals a day, the best school money could buy. But they never gave him what he <em>really</em> needed, and that was someone to talk to, someone to really hear him.</p><p>It was nice to come home to someone who really thought about him for a change. But despite how great it was, there were times—Ben would admit—when he got so much attention that he felt suffocated. Because when a person has been ignored his whole life, he isn’t used to people doing normal things like calling him to check on him or buying his favorite things at the grocery store. And Deacon Yoda was exactly that kind of person.</p><p>But the sweet, old deacon didn’t spoil Ben. He held him accountable when he got an attitude or cursed in his presence. He especially hated the “f” word. Ben learned that after he stubbed his toe on the deacon’s old couch and let out a stream of obscenities that would make even Han Solo blush.</p><p>He wasn’t used to being around religious people. And it wasn’t as if they snapped at him or judged him or anything like that. That first f-bomb got him an intimidating stare, but nothing worse than that. Deacon Yoda often spent time alone in his study or reading next to Ben on the living room couch, Artoo chewing on one of his many toys. He was the quiet type, which was probably why they got along so well. Ben was quiet too.</p><p>He hadn’t heard anything from his mother, now known to him only as Leia, and he was glad. He was tired of having to put on a show for her anyway. Ben needed space away from her, Han, and Kaydel: everyone from his life before the divorce. It was the only way he could learn to function on his own.</p><p>And if Ben was honest with himself, the only person he wanted contact with had not spoken with him since he last threw a fit over her pantry and refrigerator. He wished more than anything that he had her phone number. He should have found some excuse before he’d left her apartment that night but didn’t think to ask. Of course, he had her church email address, but he was sure that was being monitored. Any correspondence he had with her he’d prefer to be personal.</p><p>But Ben wasn’t dumb. He knew the next place to check, and that was social media. Rey seemed like the type of girl that would be all over Facebook and Instagram. She’d be one of those people with at least a thousand friends, and every single one of them would love her.</p><p>Could he blame them?</p><p>So, one night, new phone in hand, he downloaded the Facebook app and began a search using his old account from college. He’d deactivated it because he found no use for it. But now he certainly <em>did</em>.</p><p>He grimaced at his profile picture, taken in front of a movie theater with his friends. His hair was all over the place and he was dressed in a hoodie and jeans (no longer a part of his wardrobe). And he had this goofy smile on his face. Kaydel was on his left, kissing his cheek, and Jessika Pava on his right, rolling her eyes. Hux must have been inside buying the tickets because he was not in the picture, and Ben was sure he was there that night. Before he could get caught up in <em>that</em> wormhole, he deleted the picture and changed his name. Just in case he accidently clicked something he shouldn’t. He’s not an idiot. He’d had friends that had clicked ‘like’ on pictures that were at least a year old and cringed in embarrassment for them. At least this way it wouldn’t matter.</p><p>He looked for her profile, and couldn’t find it at first, but then when he filtered the results to show St. James, she came right up. He clicked on her profile and smiled at her picture. She was sitting at a picnic table holding Mira in her lap. Mira had a red popsicle in her little hand, half of which was left on her puffy cheeks. And her mother was laughing at whoever was taking the picture. Ben wondered who it was, and scowled, assuming it was probably her friend Finn.</p><p>Finn didn’t seem to like Ben very much, and the feeling was mutual.</p><p>Rey was of course beautiful, her hazel eyes sparkling, dimples showing—and Ben just couldn’t stop staring at it. She was remarkable. He spent so much time staring at it that he forgot there were other pictures there he could see. He clicked forward, perusing through her other profile pictures. Some were naturally with her friend Finn, others with friends he’d never seen. Then of course he saw people from the church. Most of them were uninteresting, but then right before he got to the oldest picture, he noticed something.</p><p>This picture was clearly from a few years ago. Rey’s hair was longer, and she was holding a baby Mira on her hip. He looked at the date and realized it was only from a year and a half ago. Mira was only two and a half? No wonder she was so quiet. She was barely old enough to put words together. Well—he thought so anyway. He didn’t know anything about kids, like when they’re supposed to start walking or talking. Or when to stop feeding them a bottle. He was pretty hopeless in that department.</p><p>But that wasn’t what caught his attention.</p><p>What made him stop was the hand around her shoulder, connected to some mystery man. And Ben surmised that it must be Mira’s father, the way Rey was leaning into the embrace. But his face was cut off in the picture.</p><p>Ben was so curious about this man. He didn’t understand a world where anyone could leave Rey. She was like a beacon or a lighthouse or some beautiful church (of course he thought of a church). She was everything pure and good and lovely. Who would even dare push themselves out of her orbit? Leave her to struggle in that tiny apartment with that beautiful baby?</p><p>It didn’t make any sense, and it pissed him off. But of course, he was glad that loser was out of the picture. How else would he have a chance with her?</p><p>He’d considered asking Yoda about him but thought better of it. He still wanted this fragile thing with Rey to stay in their little universe.</p><p>*****</p><p>He’d taken the bus to the church that morning with Deacon Yoda. It had been a while since he’d woken up early to work, and he found he liked it. He needed to be back on a schedule to keep from drinking all day. And to keep his sanity intact.</p><p>“Ready to be put to work Benjamin?” Yoda asked. No matter how many times he’s told him to call him “Ben,” he was called Benjamin.</p><p>Ben nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready.” Ben was still too tired to really expand upon that, but Yoda somehow, despite his age, was never tired.</p><p>“When we arrive, take you to Father Qui-Gon’s office I will. He will give you your schedule and daily tasks.”</p><p>The bus came to a halt, and they got off, stepping out into the sunshine. The sky was blue, and the birds were chirping. Fall was coming soon, but Ben was excited. He always preferred Fall and Winter to Spring and Summer. It jived well with his propensity to stay indoors and isolate himself. He had a feeling Rey was the complete opposite.</p><p>He was excited when he got to the top of the hill, contemplating whether she would be there doing something with the choir or with her Sunday school teaching. But he knew that was impossible. He’d seen on her Facebook that she was a first-grade teacher. <em>Of course, she was.</em> So, she was likely at work.</p><p>As they walked into the Narthex, he felt comforted. It was nice to be in a positive space. The deacon walked him down the hall past several offices to a door in the back, where Father Qui-Gon’s office was hidden.</p><p>Yoda knocked on the door and they entered, taking their seats in front of the priest.</p><p>Father turned from his computer and smiled happily. “Well good morning Ben! I understand you’ve moved in with our deacon here. How have things been going?”</p><p>“Pretty well,” he answered. “I really appreciate all the help you’re giving me. I know you’ve gone through a lot of trouble for me, even though I’m not a member of the church, or Catholic or whatever.” Ben had no idea why he was waving his hands like a mad man. The priest made him nervous.</p><p>Father nodded. “It’s no problem at all Ben. We as Christians aren’t just here to help other Christians. We’re here for everyone. And I just want to make something clear to you before we get started. I don’t expect you to convert. That’s not why you’re here. You’re here to rectify your mistakes. We didn’t want you to go to jail because we know your parents, and they’re wonderful people. I know they love you very much, and despite what happened, they wanted the best for you.”</p><p>Ben fought <em>so hard </em>not to roll his eyes at that last statement. It really did take an act of God to keep him from spewing out everything his mother had done to him, but he didn’t want to start off on the wrong foot. And he was relieved that this wasn’t some attempt to “bring him to Jesus.” He had no interest in that, and he never did. He knew deep down in his soul that his mother wasn’t into it either. She had some scheme up her sleeve, ever the politician. He had a feeling it had to do with a beautiful girl with hazel eyes. Maybe that was the one thing Leia had done right: bringing Rey into his life.</p><p>So, he tried to let it be for now. “Yes, I’m sure they do.” Han does anyway.</p><p>“Good. But you should also know that as Christians we have a commission from Christ. And we are called to evangelize. I can’t lie to you. I want you to be Catholic, just as I would anyone else. I want you to be a part of our family—to experience the love of God. If I didn’t acknowledge that, I would be doing you a major disservice. But as I said, that’s not why you’re here. Though of course, if you have any questions in that direction, myself and Deacon Yoda are here for you. And being in RCIA will be useful for those purposes. Finn is very knowledgeable, as is Rey. And they’re going to help you get an idea of how things operate here. Because you’ll need to know the layout of the church, the grounds, the Mass and confession times—to be well-versed in what we do. And learning about our beliefs is imperative because all of those things are connected with our beliefs. Does that make sense?”</p><p>Ben was a little uncomfortable hearing Father Qui-Gon talk about God. Any time a Christian got on their soapbox about it was corny and obnoxious. And they always had to push it in other people’s faces.</p><p>So far though, the people in this church had been genuinely nice, pleasant people. He was glad that he wasn’t being pressured.</p><p>He replied, “Yes that makes sense.”</p><p>Father grinned. “Good! Now let’s get down to it.”</p><p>Over the next half hour Father Qui-Gon went over his schedule. He’d be there almost every day, mostly doing whatever the church office required and any manual labor that needed to be done. Ben didn’t realize it until he looked over his new schedule, but it was more than he bargained for. Not only was he charged with cleaning the pews, but he also had to clean the bathrooms, mop the floors (a lot of space to cover), help with the church missions. He was already tired looking at all the tasks ahead of him.</p><p>But….it meant more time with Rey. Which suited him just fine.</p><p>Ben sighed and leaned back in his chair. Father Qui-Gon set his papers down and took off his glasses.</p><p>“Well Ben. That’s the gist of what you’ll be doing. Do you have any questions for me?” he asked.</p><p>Shaking his head, he responded. “No sir.”</p><p>Qui-Gon corrected him, “Just Father is fine. So, you’re free to go for today. We want you to have your first RCIA class before you begin.”</p><p>After that Deacon Yoda stayed to work with Father Qui-Gon on the coming Mass, and Ben walked down to the bus stop with a skip in his step.</p><p>*****</p><p>On Sunday morning Ben woke up early, eager to start the day because he was going to see Rey again and hear her angelic voice. He threw his clothes on and went into the kitchen, but before he could greet the old deacon, he was interrupted, “No Mass today young Solo. A pipe has burst in the building and flooded out into the sanctuary. Staying home, we are.”</p><p>Ben sunk into the couch, depressed. But at least he’d be seeing her the next day for class. But then he asked, “Does Father not need any help cleaning everything up?”</p><p>Deacon Yoda peered from behind his newspaper with a curious look on his face, “Cleaning up the water, the Knights of Columbus are. No need to worry.”</p><p>
  <em>The Knights of Columbus? </em>
</p><p>Ben was too tired to ask, so he went back into his bedroom and took a nap, Artoo cozying up next to him.</p><p>Monday night finally came, and Ben nervously walked up to the double doors of the church. He cursed himself, feeling his hands shake as he walked inside.</p><p>Looking around, he could see three rectangular tables set up in a circle, a bigger table at the front with a lit candle and stacks of books. Bibles?</p><p>And of course, the first thing he did was look around for Rey, but he didn’t see her. Maybe she hadn’t arrived yet. So he was about to pull out a chair and take a seat when he saw someone familiar. Someone he hadn’t seen in years. He was astonished.</p><p>“Grandma?”</p><p>An elderly lady with long, wavy hair (stripes of gray and white) smiled and stood up, pulling him into her embrace.</p><p>Grandma Padme was an angel on Earth, and if anyone was sent here by God it would be her. She had round, chocolate eyes, plush lips and a dainty little nose. He was always mesmerized by pictures of her hanging on the walls in his childhood home. She was a beauty when she was a young woman, and her husband Anakin, Ben’s grandfather, was devastatingly handsome with his tan complexion and sandy blonde hair. Their wedding photo was his favorite, taken in the 1950s. Padme’s dress was ivory and longer than the stereotypical mid-century wedding dress. Hers had a puffy lace skirt that fell down to the floor, elaborate white beading sown through. The bodice was tight around her waist, and it had a portrait neckline with strips of lace covering her shoulders.  She always said she wanted to pass it down to her daughter, but Leia never liked it.</p><p>He pulled back and looked down at her. He hadn’t seen her in years. Before he was kicked out of his parents’ house, his mother and Padme had gotten into a bad argument over the care of Ben’s grandfather. Anakin had gotten very sick with liver disease in his last years, a big drinker. He’d been in and out of mental institutions his entire life, and it was hard on Padme. She often struggled on her own, too afraid to let other people in, afraid they’d judge her for staying with him. Between stints in the hospital, Anakin worked at a law firm under an infamous defense lawyer named Palpatine. Palpatine overworked his subordinates, especially Anakin, because he saw so much “potential” in him. Leia had told Ben in the past that Palpatine was a bad man, though she never clarified why—just that he wasn’t very nice.</p><p>And shortly after their falling out, Ben was out of the Solo house, moving to the city with Kaydel. He swore to keep in touch with his grandmother, but after a few years and a handful of Christmas cards, they lost touch.</p><p>He looked at her aged face and felt nothing but shame. How could he go so long without speaking with her? Checking up on her? She didn’t even have Leia. Who was taking care of her? What a horrible grandson he’s been. But why was she here of all places?</p><p>“Grandma Padme. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should’ve called you. I should’ve visited you.”</p><p>He leaned down again to hug her, and she kissed him on the cheek.  “Sweet Benny. You had a life to lead—a busy career and a new marriage. You didn’t have time to do anything else. You’re like my Anakin—so driven, so focused. You deserved to take care of yourself.” Her eyes met the floor. “God knows you deserved to. No one was there for you as they should have been. It’s no wonder you moved so far away. But don’t worry sweetheart. Everything is forgiven. You’re still my baby.”</p><p>Ben could not believe he was about to cry in front of all these people, but thankfully they seemed too engaged with each other to notice him. He quickly wiped his face and bent down to kiss her on the cheek. “So why are you here Grandma? Leia didn’t tell me you went to church here.”</p><p>She motioned for him to take a seat next to her and leaned over with a spark in her eyes. “Well, I don’t yet, but I’ve always been curious. With your grandfather gone, I’ve had a lot of time to think about my life. I just look back and see that all my focus was on Anakin. All my time and energy were spent keeping him from going under. But then after he died, I realized that no matter what I could have done, he would have died from his illness. I just want to find meaning in all of it. I want to know why I had to go through that. I want to have a purpose again, a healthy one. And I’ve driven by this pretty building so many times over the years, wondering what went on inside. I’d always wanted your grandfather to go with me, but he wanted nothing to do with it. He’d been raised in a religious family, and it did a lot of damage. But now I’m alone, and I can do the things I never had time to do before.”</p><p>Ben was blown away. All his life, he’d known about Anakin’s issues. But he’d never known about any religious upbringing his grandfather had. Nor had he known about his grandmother’s interest in the church. Sometimes Ben wondered if he ever really knew his grandparents.</p><p>He put his hand over hers. “That’s great Grandma. I’m really glad you’re here.”</p><p>“Thank you, sweetie. But why are you here? Don’t tell me my Ben wants to be a Catholic. You were never one for this sort of thing.”</p><p>“Well….” Ben was so embarrassed to tell her about what had led him here. She had always known about his fits of rage, but he’d never done something like this before. “I um…I’m not exactly here to become Catholic. I’m sort of…. doing some community service. Well, it’s required community service. I got into some trouble, and the priest here is helping me out.”</p><p>Ben expected her face to fall in disappointment, but her neutral expression remained. “You got into some trouble? What kind of trouble? Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>She knew him so well. His mother would have berated him, but Padme knew him much better. He hated being interrogated to death or made to talk about things when he wasn’t ready: “I don’t know Grandma. It’s kind of embarrassing. Can we talk about it another time? Maybe I can come visit soon. I haven’t been to your house in a while.”</p><p>Padme smiled, patting his back. “Sounds good to me.”</p><p>Ben was about to ask what day would be best when he felt a pull on his shirt. He looked over to his left expecting to see a fellow classmate but saw nothing there. Then he heard a voice from below.</p><p>“Pop?”</p><p>Ben’s eyes lit up. It was Mira.</p><p>She was wearing little pink overalls with a white shirt, her hair once again pulled into tiny pigtails, her black curls framing her round face. She had a bear hanging loosely in her little hand.</p><p>Ben felt nervous. He had no idea how to talk to kids. He looked around for Rey but didn’t see her.</p><p>“Who is this Ben?” Padme asked, leaning over to get a good look.</p><p>“It’s Mira. She’s Rey’s daughter. Rey works here at the church. She’s in the choir.”</p><p>Padme looked down at Mira and waved, but the little girl kept her eyes on Ben: “Pop?” This time she held out her hand, the one not holding the bear.</p><p>“Um. Huh?” <em>Pop?</em> What was she talking about? This was the first time he’d ever heard her speak, and it was like communicating in a language he was not familiar with.</p><p>But he’s going to keep trying.</p><p>He cleared his throat. “Pop? What’s a pop?” <em>Nice Ben. Really intelligent.</em></p><p>“Poppppppp!” Her cute little face turned into one he’d not seen yet. Her eyebrows scrunched up and she stomped her foot.</p><p>Padme laughed. “My, she’s a feisty one. What does she want Ben?”</p><p>Ben groaned. “I have no idea Grandma. Mira? What do you want? Where’s your Mom?” It’s like he’s still talking to an adult. And he has a hard time with <em>that</em>.</p><p>And then he remembered: the lollipops. She wants a lollipop, and because he bought some for her once, she thinks he’s always going to have them.</p><p>Lucky for her he just so happens to have one in his pocket. He can’t remember why they’re still there. He must have stuffed some there before running an errand. Always did have a sweet tooth.</p><p>He pulled out an orange one. It was a little smushed, but still edible. She dropped her bear on the floor and clapped her chubby hands. “Pop! Pop! Pop!” She reached out and grabbed it out of his hand.</p><p>Padme chuckled. “Well I guess that explains it. What is that about?”</p><p>Ben turned his head, “I once bought her some lollipops. I guess she thinks I’m the lollipop king or something.”</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>Mira stood there, sucker in hand, happy as a clam and Ben was in heaven. He’d talked to a kid for more than five seconds and hadn’t made them cry. He can’t help but be impressed with himself.</p><p>But then…</p><p>“Mira Niima! What are you doing?”</p><p>
  <em>Him. </em>
</p><p>It was only a matter of time before Finn would show up.</p><p>He stormed over to their table, and the smile fell off Padme’s face.</p><p>“What’s going on here? She’s not supposed to have candy after dinner. You don’t need to be giving someone else’s kid candy without permission.”</p><p>Ben just knew his grandmother was rolling her eyes. He didn’t even need to look.</p><p>But Rey must be nearby, so he has to be on his best behavior. He lifted his hands. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean any harm.”</p><p>Finn scoffed. “Sure. Whatever you say.”</p><p><em>Wow</em>, Ben thought. <em>Some Christian this guy is. What a nice attitude.</em></p><p>Ben’s new enemy bent down in front of Mira and tried to take the sucker out of her little hand, but she kept pulling away.</p><p>“Mira give it to me right now!” He kept trying to grasp it, but she was too quick, and the more he failed, the more she giggled, thinking it was a game. Ben put his hand in front of his mouth, suppressing a laugh at this moron, who wouldn’t just let this baby have a damn lollipop.</p><p>Then he heard it. A familiar voice coming from down the hallway.</p><p>“I don’t know about that. I’m thinking that will be a few weeks from—Mira?”</p><p>Rey walked swiftly over to where they were, and Ben tapped his fingers nervously on the table. She wore a pretty green dress—nothing too fancy—but sweet and feminine. It had little speckles of dried paint around the edges. Maybe from her students?</p><p>How cute could this woman be?</p><p>His heart beat out of his chest as she made her way over.</p><p>She stood, hands on her hips. “What’s going on Finn?”</p><p>Finn crossed his arms and looked at Ben with a scowl. “<em>He</em> gave Mira a lollipop, and I told him she’s not supposed to have candy this late.”</p><p>Ben glanced at his watch and saw the time: 6:30pm. <em>Is this guy seriously bitching about a lollipop this early in the evening? What a tool. </em></p><p>Rey finally looked over at Ben and smiled, her features relaxing. “Hi Ben. It’s nice to see you.” Her voice was soft and <em>very</em> inviting.</p><p>He, however, is a mess and he stupidly stands up and holds out his damn hand to shake hers. He is mortified. <em>Mortified</em>. But she’s sweet, taking his hand in hers, and then, because his brain is backfiring, he lifts her hand to his mouth and kisses it.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell is wrong with him? </em>
</p><p>It’s all worth it though when looks up and sees her cheeks turn a pretty pink. <em>What does that mean?</em></p><p>“<em>Anyway</em>,” Finn continued, “I’m trying to get it out of her hands, but she won’t let it go.”</p><p>Ben saw Rey go into Mom mode. She bent down in front of her daughter, a serious look on her face. “Mira—you know you’re not supposed to be having sugar after dinner. Did you thank Ben for your lollipop?”</p><p>Mira just stared at her mother, refusing to speak. She looked over at Ben and back to her mother and shoved the lollipop back into her mouth.</p><p>“Ugh. I’m sorry Ben. Thank you for letting her have one. That’s very nice of you. Isn’t it, baby?” She looked at her daughter, eyebrows up in expectation, hoping for a response but got none.</p><p>“My goodness, she’s just like Ben when he was her age. It was always so hard to get him to say anything,” Padme said, clapping her hands together in amusement.</p><p><em>Oh no</em>. Ben hoped to whatever higher power was in the room that his grandmother wouldn’t say anything else about his childhood. He’s done enough in the last five minutes to embarrass himself. He doesn’t need help.</p><p>“Really?” Rey said, and Ben thought from the tone of her voice that she was teasing him.</p><p>He didn’t mind so much.</p><p>“Oh, yes! He was always very shy and quiet unless he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Then he made himself heard as loudly as possible.” She reached over to shake Rey’s hand. “I’m Ben’s grandmother, Padme. And you’re Rey, right?” she asked.</p><p>Rey smiled. “That’s right. Wow. So, are you Leia’s mom? Wait! I think I’ve seen your wedding picture! It’s hanging up at Leia’s house, isn’t it? You had the most beautiful wedding dress. And you looked so lovely.”</p><p>Padme looked over at Ben and back at Rey. “Well, thank you dear. That’s so sweet of you to say. I’m not sure if it’s still hanging there. I’m assuming so. I haven’t been there in quite a while. I wanted my daughter to wear it, but I’m afraid it wasn’t her style.”</p><p>Rey wrung her hands. “Well it’s definitely my style. I just love it.”</p><p>Ben felt like he used to when his mother would drag him around the mall as a kid, waiting for her to get done talking to one of her friends she’d run into. He’s selfish. He wants Rey all to himself, but he’s happy that she’s getting to know his grandmother. Padme is special to him.</p><p>“My goodness, I think I might faint from all this praise!” Padme said.</p><p>Finn interjected, “Rey we need to start class. We’re already running behind.”</p><p>“Oh, right. Nice to meet you Padme. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.”</p><p>Padme got settled back into her chair. “You too dear.”</p><p>Rey took Mira’s hand and walked her over to a little table in the corner and pulled out a coloring book and crayons for her.</p><p>Ben took a seat next to his grandmother and watched in anticipation as Rey and Finn stood up in front of the class, Rey folding her hands in front of her and Finn standing behind a podium.</p><p>The grimace Finn had on his face for Ben quickly transformed into a welcoming smile for the class. <em>Of course</em>, Ben thought. <em>Save your manners for everyone else.</em></p><p>Finn looked out with a polite smile. “Now that everyone is here, we’ll get started. I think it might be a good idea if we all introduced ourselves. I’m Finn Starr, and this is Rey Niima.  And we want to welcome you all to our first RCIA class. RCIA stands for the “<em>Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults</em><em>.</em>” You are here because you are thinking about being a Christian or you’re already baptized and here to see if you want to become Catholic. Rey is going to hand out our schedule for the year. Just take a quick glance for a moment. You’ll notice that this class runs from September all the way until May. We have a lot of ground to cover, but we want you to understand that this is a serious process. We want you to be absolutely sure this is what you want before you join the Church. We’ve divided our year up into different periods, and the first is called the “period of evangelization and precatechumenate.” This is just a time for you to get introduced to the faith and to our beliefs as Catholics. At this point you are just inquirers.”</p><p>Ben was already zoning out, thinking about the glass of whiskey he was probably going to have after dinner. He’d snuck a bottle into his bedroom without the deacon knowing. He’d been much better about keeping his intake down to a glass a night, a vast improvement from the amount he’d been drinking in the Solo home.</p><p>Normally he would have excused himself to the restroom to kill time in a situation like this, but Rey captured all of his attention. As she walked from table to table handing out their schedule, her green dress fluttered around her legs, legs that were as tan as her arms. Ben couldn’t help but stare at them as she glided across the room. His eyes went from the hem of her dress slowly up to her chest. And while she was dressed modestly, he could still see the outline of her breasts through the fabric, and he was curious to know how she looked <em>without</em> the dress on.</p><p>This line of thought was highly inappropriate for the setting, but he couldn’t help himself. She was just so magnetic. And Father had said that he wasn’t here to be converted. So, what did it matter if his focus was on her for the entire class?</p><p>When she came up to his table to place the handouts there before them, she looked down at him, and when he looked up, she winked at him.</p><p>Ben really, <em>really </em>hoped his ears weren’t doing that annoying thing when he was blushing, the tips of them turning pink. Thankfully they were mostly hidden under his mop of black hair. He had very little experience with women, having been with only one for so long. But he was sure that wink was no friendly one. It has to be flirting. Is it flirting?</p><p>And <em>maybe</em>—he can get that phone number tonight.</p><p>Oh, he was <em>definitely</em> going to get that before he walked out of this building.</p><p>Before he could really react the moment was over, and she was back at the front with Finn.</p><p>And then he got to listen to the pretty cadence of her voice.</p><p>“Hello everyone. I’m Rey. I’ve been Catholic for about two years.” She motioned to her right. “This is my daughter Mira over here. She’s two. She’s a little shy, otherwise I’d bring her over to introduce you. But she’ll be here every Monday too. I think maybe we should go around and introduce ourselves. Maybe say what brought us here?”</p><p>At the table across from Ben’s, each person stood up and told everyone their name, any faith they’d belonged to before, where they were from, etc. The usual boring intros. Ben knew he was going to forget all of their names.</p><p>But as the spotlight came closer and closer to him, he realized he had no idea what to say other than his name and where he was from. Because he wasn’t here to join the Church.</p><p>And even worse: did Rey know why he was really here? Did Finn? Had Father Qui-Gon and Deacon Yoda told them about his—situation? What could they have possibly said otherwise?</p><p>This was horrible. He was so scared that his new obsession would find out about how he’d pummeled a man into his parents’ living room rug. And had been arrested for it.</p><p>If she found out, she’d never consider dating him. Or even letting her daughter around him.</p><p>His palms began to sweat on his knees, shoes tapping onto the linoleum. And he could feel his depression creeping up on him. What was he going to do if she knew what he’d done? Keep living with Deacon Yoda? Go to church, being forced to watch her sing and laugh in front of him? And God help him if she ever got a boyfriend—or even worse—a husband. A Catholic husband. Everything she probably ever wanted.</p><p>He didn’t want to be here anymore.</p><p>His grandmother’s turn was next.</p><p>“Hello everyone. I’m Padme Skywalker. I’ve never subscribed to any faith, really. But I’ve always been interested in the Catholic Church, or rather—this church in particular. I really want to believe in a higher power. I’m not sure if this is the right place to be for me yet, but I’m looking forward to it very much. And this—”</p><p>
  <em>Oh no. </em>
</p><p>“—is my grandson Ben. He’s volunteering here at the church. I told him I didn’t want to come alone, so he escorted me tonight. I’m hoping he’ll come with me every week. Anyway. It’s nice to meet all of you.”</p><p>Ben was floored.</p><p>His sweet, wonderful, perfect grandmother had saved him.</p><p>He didn’t know if Finn and Rey knew the extent of his role at the church. He was put on the email list, so surely Finn and Rey had been told something. But what was it?</p><p>Ben wasn’t sure if he could sit through the rest of this class and not be antsy. He wanted to go home immediately and ask the old deacon.</p><p>And somehow Padme, though she didn’t know about Ben’s recent troubles, had known just what to say. She always did.</p><p>He really wanted to cry, but not here in front of everyone.</p><p>
  <em>Get it together Solo. </em>
</p><p>“Thank you, Padme. And Ben. It’s nice to have you both here.”</p><p>And he didn’t even need to speak. <em>God really does exist</em>, Ben thought. And Rey was an angel for letting him off the hook.</p><p>They spent the rest of the night getting to know one another, and after an hour Ben was ready to go. Thankfully that’s when Finn decided to call it a night.</p><p>“Okay everyone. Usually this class is two hours with a fifteen-minute break, but we’re going to end it early. Next week we’ll spend half our night reading from the Gospel and the other half learning about the Church. Any questions before we go home?”</p><p>After a short silence, he dismissed them. “Have a good night everyone.”</p><p>Ben reached down to help Padme up, but she brushed him off. “I’m not that old Ben. But I appreciate it sweetheart.”  </p><p>He wished he had a jacket or something to put on slowly, so that he could stall and catch Rey by herself, but she was busy talking to Finn. Then he had an idea.</p><p>“Grandma I’m going to see if Rey needs help putting everything away. Did you want to wait for me until I finish? I can walk you out to your car.”</p><p>Padme laughed. “Ben I’m perfectly fine. You go help that pretty girl.” She looked over his shoulder, waving. “It was nice to meet you Rey! See you next week.”</p><p>Rey walked up to them. “You too!” </p><p>Padme pushed up on her toes to kiss her grandson on the cheek. “You call me when you get home, okay? You promise?” she asked.</p><p>He pulled her in for a hug. “I promise Grandma. Love you.”</p><p>“Love you sweetheart.”</p><p>Ben turned back to Rey, and she was still standing there awkwardly.</p><p>“Do you want some help putting all this away Rey?” he asked. He looked over and Finn was already breaking down tables, and Mira was running around picking up everything she could find in the room: little Holy Family figurines, brochures, and pens rolling around on the tables that were still standing.</p><p>Before Rey could answer Finn walked up, “We don’t need help, thanks. You can go home now.”</p><p>Rey looked at her friend in shock. “Finn. Wh—”</p><p>“Nevermind. You guys talk. I’ll finish the rest. I’ll keep an eye on Mira.” Ben took note of the hard edge in his voice and the disappointed look on Rey’s face. Finn went back to his task and left them standing there.</p><p>When Finn went back into the storeroom Rey took Ben’s arm, “Ben I am so, so sorry. This really isn’t like him. I swear it isn’t.”</p><p>Ben was pissed off, less at Finn’s treatment of him (like he cared what <em>Finn Starr</em> thought of him), and more the effect it had on Rey. She was clearly upset by it, and this wasn’t the first time. And Ben did<em> not </em>like to see his girl upset.</p><p>He shook his head. “Don’t worry about. It’s fine.”</p><p>Her face relaxed. “Okay good. Because you <em>are</em> welcome here. Very much. I’m—I’m glad you’re here.”</p><p>She stood there crumpling a piece of paper in her hand, hazel eyes peering up softly at him.</p><p>“I’m glad I’m here too. Actually, I have a question,” <em>okay Ben be smooth</em> “I don’t know if it’s okay, but I don’t really do emails. Would it possibly be okay if maybe I could just—”</p><p>“Do you want my number?! It would be much easier; in case you had any questions.  You know, about class or the Bible or the Catechism…. then I can answer a lot faster. Oh wait! I’m sorry. Is that too forward?!” Rey said.</p><p>Ben could not believe what he was hearing. She was asking <em>him</em> for his number. And her hand was still on his forearm, her thumb rubbing soft circles into his skin. And if she keeps doing that, he’s going to have….<em> a problem</em>.</p><p>“Well, I have no idea what a Catechism is, but I guess that can be my first text.” <em>Why am I so damn awkward?</em></p><p> She held out her hand. “Phone?”</p><p>He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and placed it in her hand. She typed away, and gave it back to him, and there he saw her name programmed in, a cross emoji next to it. Ben Solo does not use emojis, but if she was putting them in his phone, he didn’t mind.</p><p>“Call me any time you like.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, just like she had in the car when she’d driven him home that night from the city.</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>The pitter-patter of little feet could be heard behind Rey, and she looked down to see her daughter standing there, hands behind her back.</p><p>“Hi baby. What have you got there?”</p><p>Mira slowly walked forward, hands still clasped behind her back, eyes straight ahead. Ben looked down and watched her take her little hand from behind her back and hold out a little booklet in front of him.</p><p>“What’s this?” He bent down to take it from her and read the cover.</p><p>“Mira baby that’s very nice of you. Ben that’s a daily reflections book. The Church has daily readings for the entire year, and they hand these out every few months. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.”</p><p>He looked to the little girl in front of him and smiled. “Of course, I want it. Thank you, Mira.”</p><p>Mira stared at him for a moment, took a quick look at her mother, who was beaming with pride, and then looked at Ben and smiled. That’s two smiles he’d gotten out of her. Not bad.</p><p>Ben stood up, ready to walk out. “I’ll text you. See you next week Rey.”</p><p>“Wait. You are coming to Mass too, right?” she asked.</p><p>As if he’d miss it. “I’ll be there.”</p><p>“Good. Goodnight Ben.”</p><p>“Goodnight.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>🌷Happy Easter!🌷</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Rey was so giddy when she shut her car door in the church parking lot. She took a deep breath in and felt her face. It was flushed: warm and damp with perspiration. Seeing Ben again had been a surprise, for sure.</p><p>Before she’d left for the evening, she’d had a discussion with Finn that she wasn’t pleased with.</p><p>After Ben left, she’d smiled so widely she could feel the stretch in her cheeks. She assessed the room. All tables were put away, and Mira was quietly surveying it too. Finn finally came out of the back, and when Rey saw the look on his face her smile fell.</p><p>He looked so angry. This wasn’t like him. He was always, <em>always</em> excited for the first RCIA class. It was something he planned all summer, meticulously. He spent hours holed away in his office pouring over every religious text he had to see what else he could add to the curriculum.</p><p>So this look—this hard, unkind look—was completely out of place, especially since they were best friends. The only way to get to the bottom of it was to ask, but she also didn’t want to start an argument in the church, especially in front of Mira. Rey was very serious about this particular rule. Mira would never know violence in her own home—only love and support and peace. These things were taken away from Rey, and she wanted to make sure her daughter had them.</p><p>That meant the issue with Finn had to be addressed as delicately as possible.</p><p>Looking at him huffing and puffing by the desk, she took a chance.</p><p>“Finn? Is there something wrong? You seem upset.”</p><p>He looked up to her briefly, then picked up his satchel, pulling the strap over his chest. “Nothing’s wrong. Nothing except for the fact that Father thinks it’s okay to let people in our class that have no business being here.”</p><p>Rey felt the breath leave her lungs. “Who are you talking about?”</p><p>He sighed. “I think you know Rey. Why is Ben Solo here? He doesn’t belong here. It’s clear he isn’t interested in being Catholic.”</p><p>Once again, Rey was at a loss, shocked at her best friend’s unnecessary cruelty. “Finn don’t you think that’s a bit uncharitable? Isn’t that the point of this whole thing? We want to bring everyone in the church, no matter who they are. We don’t pick and choose based on who we like and dislike. That’s not what God wants at all.”</p><p>He started walking past her and shook his head. “No, Rey. I think it’s what <em>you</em> want.”</p><p>Rey was incredulous, throwing up her hands in frustration. “What exactly is that supposed to mean?” She was trying to keep her voice down for Mira’s sake, but he was making it difficult.</p><p>Finn laughed, but it wasn’t happy. “It means that you” he pointed at her “are getting too involved with Ben. You obviously have some kind of hang-up on him. And it’s going to distract you from what we’re doing here.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>Had she been that obvious in her attraction to Ben? She thought she’d hidden it well. Maybe not. But that didn’t matter. She shouldn’t have to explain herself to Finn. It’s her life and her business, no one else’s. She wasn’t going to have another man telling her what to do. She’d made that decision a long time ago and wasn’t going to stray from it.</p><p>“Finn. I don’t know what you’re implying exactly, but I’ll tell you this:” she gave him her sternest look, “you are my best friend, but that does not make it okay for you to tell me what to do in my personal life. And aside from that, I would think you would be happy that maybe I’ve found someone I might be interested in. And it’s insulting to me that you would just dismiss my love for this class and my dedication to the church. I just…I’m just drained. I think I’ll head home now.”</p><p>She really didn’t want to be so defensive, but honestly, who did Finn think he was? She picked Mira up and hoisted her on her hip, heading for the door.</p><p>“Rey! Wait!”</p><p>Finn followed behind her as she stormed off, Mira bouncing along the way, her little fingers grasping her teddy bear.</p><p>Irritated and <em>so ready</em> for this night to be over, Rey gave in. “Yes?”</p><p>He bent his head. “I’m sorry. I—you’re right. It is none of my business. I’m just trying to protect you. I’m worried. Don’t you think it’s strange that he’s back here now? I mean…he was living with his parents, and even that didn’t work out. I overheard the deacon saying that Ben was living with him now. What does that mean, Rey? He doesn’t seem like a stable person. You don’t really know him. What if he hurts you? or Mira?”</p><p>How can Rey argue with that? He has a good point. She doesn’t know Ben at all, and he isn’t really in a place to date anyone. She doesn’t want to be the “rebound” girl. And would he really be ready to be a father to a two-year-old?</p><p>Maybe this was too soon…except…the way he’d looked at her was different. It made her feel things she’d never felt before. It was so intense sometimes that she had to look away for fear of embarrassing herself. And though Finn was being logical, far more reasonable than she was, Rey wanted to take the chance. She hated to do this to Finn but placating him seemed like the only way to get him off her back. At least for now.</p><p>“Tell you what,” she said. “I promise I’ll be careful. I’ll make sure to take things slowly—even though it’s still my personal business. I’ll really try, okay?”</p><p>Finn looked conflicted, and she wondered if she was going to lose her best friend, but he quickly changed his tune. “That’s—that’s good. Rey I just don’t want anything to happen to you or Mira. You know I’m only saying it because I care, right?”</p><p>She knew that. Of course, he cared.</p><p>“I know.” She reached around him for a hug, squeezed him tightly to reassure him, and walked out the double doors into the night.</p><p>Now, sitting with her hands on the steering wheel thinking about Ben, she took a minute to enjoy the memory of his hand lifting hers to kiss it—and his eyes strictly focused on her every movement. If he was attached, it would only be a matter of time before he said something. Because if <em>he</em> was as interested as she was, there was no way he would be able to hold it back any longer.</p><p>*****</p><p>After opening her front door and finally making it into her apartment she breathed a sigh of contentment. Her time alone was rare these days, what with always having Finn over to babysit or dealing with parents at school. And especially dealing with choir and RCIA. Sometimes it was all too much.</p><p>Mira had fallen asleep in the car, having dozed off to the sound of Rey’s happy humming from the front seat. Mira was never one for loud music. She liked peace and quiet, and loud noise irritated her. Rey often wondered if there was something wrong with her. But so far nothing had been found by any doctor. Rey’s daughter was just special, different from other children. And that was okay.</p><p>Rey changed her into her pajamas and tucked her into her crib, leaving the door cracked. She changed into more comfortable clothing and sat on the couch, pulling out the book she’d been reading when she remembered: she had Ben Solo’s phone number. Maybe—would it be inappropriate to text him so late? Was it too early in their relationship (or whatever it was), to be doing that?</p><p>Her phone wasn’t the nicest, it being the cheapest smart phone she could find. Finn had been trying to buy a new one for her for ages, but she hated charity. She was perfectly fine doling out kindness to parishioners, but not to herself.</p><p>She typed in her passcode and her heart beat a little faster when she saw a text notification already there. Sitting up a bit more on the couch, she looked up to the ceiling and prayed it was Ben and not some random notification from her pharmacy or something from the church.</p><p>And she was not disappointed:</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Hello Rey. I hope I’m not waking you up. I just wanted to say thank you for tonight. And for being so nice to my grandmother. She likes you a lot. </strong>
</p><p>Rey has never smiled this much before, she’s certain.</p><p>She’s made a good impression on his grandmother. If his family loves her, she must be on the right track.</p><p>Now she’s got to psych herself up for a response. Does she just say “you’re welcome” and call it a night? That would probably be the more appropriate thing to do. As far as a teacher/student relationship in RCIA.</p><p>But this was not that kind of relationship. Rey was no longer in the mood to dance around it.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: No! You’re not waking me up at all – haven’t gone to bed yet. Oh I’m so glad! I like her very much. She’s a very nice lady. </strong>
</p><p>And Rey really meant it. She liked Padme a lot. She seemed like just the kind of grandmother anyone would want: calm, kind, pretty, and approachable. But Rey still can’t believe how much she gushed over her wedding dress. That might have been excessive. Still—Ben seemed okay with it.</p><p>Her heart fluttered a little when she saw his next text:</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: She liked you too. Said you were very pretty, very smart. She’s looking forward to class. I am too. Very much. </strong>
</p><p>Rey wants <em>Ben </em>to call her pretty more than anything. It’s nice that Padme is, but…if she ever heard Ben call her that she would probably faint.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: I’m so glad you are, really. I didn’t know you were interested in being Catholic though…?</strong>
</p><p>She hoped that wasn’t too forward a question, but it was a bit odd. When she’d seen him walk through the church doors that night it surprised her.</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: To be honest, I’m not. I really am coming to support my grandmother. But I love hearing you speak.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: ….</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: You have a nice voice.</strong>
</p><p>Her eyes widened with happiness. He likes her voice. Wait but does he just mean her singing voice? She sunk back down into the couch. People are always saying that, and it’s a nice compliment, but it’s not special. But he’s talking about her speaking in class, right?</p><p>
  <em>Why was she overthinking this?!</em>
</p><p>It was time to just go for it.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: I like your voice too. It’s very…. deep.</strong>
</p><p>Deep and <em>sexy</em> is what Rey wanted to put, but she wasn’t ready to be <em>that</em> open. She’s not ready to embarrass herself <em>yet</em>.</p><p>But there’s a pause, and it’s way too long to be normal, and oh God what was she thinking? “<em>It’s very deep?!”</em> Who says something so stupid?</p><p>But then, thankfully, she saw him typing again.</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Thank you Rey. I don’t think anyone’s ever said that before. I’ve always hated it. I sound like a monster or giant or something.</strong>
</p><p>Oh no. Ben is just as much of a dork as she is. She <em>really </em>likes him now.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: lol that’s okay I love monsters. And giants too. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: 🦖🦖🦖</strong>
</p><p>Rey snickered.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: very scary. You know Mira would love this. One of her favorite movies is <em>Little Monsters</em>. It was on tv one night, and I caught her watching it. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Wow. She’s not scared at all? God I remember that movie scaring me as a kid.</strong>
</p><p>Mira really was a unique child. Rey tried to keep spooky and scary media away from her baby, not just because of her faith, but because she’s her first and only child. She wants to keep her pure and good and perfect for as long as she can.</p><p>But of course, her little toddler found the exact thing Rey had been avoiding and loved it. Her sweet, quiet baby who just couldn’t help but be a little different.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: I can’t explain it. Nothing really scares her. Sometimes it freaks me out a bit. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Every kid is different. I was. I guess it’s not my place to say, but I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure you’re a good Mom. At least from what I can see. </strong>
</p><p>He thinks she’s a good Mom. It shouldn’t feel as good as it does, but Rey lets it in all the same. She doesn’t really get to hear it that much.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: thank you for saying that. that’s very sweet of you. yes, Mira is very much her own person. not really a lot like me. I was never the quiet type.</strong>
</p><p>First, she’s gushing about her kid and now herself. He must be so over it.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: yikes. I’m already talking about my kid. I’m sorry it just happens.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Never apologize for talking about Mira. She’s the most important person in your life. </strong>
</p><p>Rey <em>melts</em>. A little voice in her head nudged her: “<em>See</em>…he likes talking about your kid. It doesn’t bother him. It isn’t boring to him. He would make a good Dad.”</p><p><em>No</em>, Rey thought. <em>That means nothing. I’ve thought a lot more about a person and couldn’t have been more wrong. Not jumping back into things that fast again. Mira deserves the best</em>.</p><p>So, Rey was going to take her time.</p><p>Not <em>too </em>much time, though. Because if she didn’t at least get to hold his hand soon she’d combust. When he’d lifted her hand to press a kiss to it in class, she’d thought she’d melt into a puddle right there on the floor.</p><p>She didn’t even want to begin to imagine kissing him. She was already feeling that warm, familiar feeling in her stomach and definitely between her legs thinking about the things he could do with his perfect mouth. And it had been so long since she’d done anything like that. But she took a deep breath in and told herself it would all be worth the wait.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: that means a lot to me Ben. Thank you. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Of course. It’s late, so I’ll let you get some rest. But it was nice talking to you. I hope we can keep talking.</strong>
</p><p>As if she would say no to that.</p><p>But she was sad. She was needy and wanted more time with him, even if it was a stupid text conversation. But—as good as it was—it could be even better if she could see him in person.</p><p>And then she had an idea.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: of course we can. actually now that I think about it…. I don’t know what your plans are tomorrow evening, but I have to pick something up from the church office after work. Would you like to meet up? I’d love to give you a tour of the church. We’ll be doing it eventually for class, but I thought I could show you the places not everyone gets to see…? you can totally say no. I’m sure you’re busy. </strong>
</p><p>It’s the most forward, yet, un-forward way to ask someone on a sort of church date that she can think of.</p><p>But he’s quick to respond.</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Yes! I would love that. I’ll already be there too. I’ve been helping Father Qui-Gon out with a project, so that works perfectly. </strong>
</p><p>Rey cannot believe it. She’s so, <em>so</em> excited!</p><p>And the daycare won’t mind if Mira stays a bit longer. Maybe Finn can go ahead and pick her up.</p><p>And as much as she loved her baby, she would really like some time alone with Ben. There was only so much she could say and do while trying to watch a two-year-old.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: Okay I’ll see you in the Narthex at 4pm?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: It’s a date. </strong>
</p><p>Rey put down her phone, jumped up from the couch and squealed in delight.</p><p>He probably didn’t mean it the way she wanted, but it was all so wonderful.</p><p>She grimaced though when she heard crying from the back of the apartment.</p><p>“I’m sorry baby! I’m coming.”</p><p>Maybe she was a little <em>too</em> excited.</p><p>*****</p><p>“Finn? Hey. It’s Rey.”</p><p>Rey waited on the other end of the phone, still nervous because of the fight she’d had with him the day before. But he responded as if nothing had happened.</p><p>“Rey. Of course, I know it’s you. I have caller ID like everyone else on the planet. Did you need something?”</p><p>It wasn’t a rude question, just their normal banter. He helped her, she helped him. Well. <em>He</em> helped her—now she felt bad thinking of all the things she didn’t do for Finn, and re-thought this whole thing. She was spiraling.</p><p>“You know what—never mind. You’re too busy, and I don’t want to dist—”</p><p>“<em>Rey</em> do you need me to pick Mira up from daycare? You know all you have to do is ask, right?”</p><p>He sounded sincere. Thank goodness. It would have been fine if he’d said no, but still…</p><p>“Yes, and watch her until dinner time? It won’t take long. I have to run a few errands, but I’ll only be out for a little bit. Is that okay?”</p><p>“Yes, yes of course. That’s not bad at all. We’ll put on some Paw Patrol while we wait. Just call me when you’re on your way home. I’ll start dinner.”</p><p>Rey was so grateful, but that last sentence made her nervous. ‘I’ll start dinner’ sounded far too close to something a husband would say to his wife on the way from home. She really hoped Finn still understood the nature of their relationship. Nothing would ever happen. She just didn’t like him like that. And now she liked someone else. This whole thing was getting complicated. Maybe she should find Mira another babysitter.</p><p>That would have to be put on the back burner for now though.</p><p>“You know you really don’t have to do that. I can pick something up on the way home.”</p><p>“It’s no problem Rey. We’ll see you later. Love you.”</p><p>Eeek.</p><p>“Um…love you too. See you then.”</p><p>She hung the phone up before he could say anything. Ughhhhh. It had never bothered her before when he said that. Maybe she’d missed the signs—signs that he still had a crush on her.</p><p>Sitting in her classroom, she tried to shake it off and picked up her phone to check in on Ben. Just to be sure he hadn’t changed his mind.</p><p>
  <strong>Rey: Hi Ben! Are we still on for tonight?</strong>
</p><p>It took him a minute, but he finally answered.</p><p>
  <strong>Ben: Yes! Absolutely. I’ll see you soon. </strong>
</p><p>So, this was it—alone with a guy she liked for the first time in ages. She couldn’t wait.</p><p>*****</p><p>“Boy!”</p><p>Ben swore if he heard that word one more time he would lose it.</p><p>He walked up toward the front desk, folding his arms over the top. “Yes?”</p><p>“Yes <em>ma’am</em>, and I want to talk to you about my bookshelves.”</p><p>Ben knew the game Maz was playing. She was always finding something wrong with his work. It didn’t matter how insignificant. He had barely even begun helping Father out before she’d jumped down his throat. And if anyone else had, Ben would have launched into an angry diatribe.</p><p>But Maz was approaching ninety and a devout Catholic. And nothing made Ben more uncomfortable that an old church lady snipping at him. Every time she looked at him with her coke bottle glasses, he got nervous. He already felt like he was under a microscope around all these religious people.</p><p>Ben had never been a patient man, but he knew better than to piss off the church secretary. That seemed counterintuitive. Especially if she knew Rey, and he wanted to make a good impression on anyone that was friends with her at the church. Because if he said one wrong word or did one stupid thing, Rey might decide to drop him before she even had him.</p><p>Little did she know how much she had <em>him</em> already.</p><p>Maz continued her scolding: “I showed you how I wanted those books organized, did I not?”</p><p>He nodded. “Yes, ma’am you did: organized by category, not alphabetically, right?”</p><p>The little old lady held up a finger: “Correct. And it was done perfectly.”</p><p>Ben was confused. “Well then what’s the problem?” It’s the end of the evening and he’s tired. He’d spent the whole day under her watchful eye, learning how to clean every square inch of the building. And he was anxious to see Rey. It wouldn’t be long before she’d be walking through the door.</p><p>He watched as Maz bent down and pulled out a book and dropped it onto the desk in front of him.</p><p>Pulling his hand up to his face to hide his smirk, he cleared his throat to control his voice. “What’s that?”</p><p>“<em>Drinking with the Saints: The Sinner’s Guide to a Happy Holy Hour</em> – this book was not in our library. Now—” she took off her glasses, twirling them in her hand, “—who do you think put it there? It <em>certainly</em> wasn’t me, and I know it wasn’t Father Qui-Gon.”</p><p>Ben knew exactly where that book came from because he’d found it just that morning. He’d gone out to buy something for Mira, but while there saw the book, and thought it sounded good. He wasn’t drinking excessively, but a little drink here and there couldn’t hurt, right? Looked kind of fun.</p><p>Then he’d been introduced to Maz, and it had only taken five minutes of her lecturing him on proper church teaching for him to come up with the idea. She seemed pretty uptight.  He pulled the book out of his car the minute she left him alone.</p><p>But he wasn’t ready to confess. The angrier Maz got, the more he struggled not to laugh. “You know, it was probably Deacon Yoda.” Maz had a skeptical look on her face. “He really likes to knock ‘em back after a long day at church.” Ben winked.</p><p>And Maz scowled at him: “I do not condone literature like this in my church, boy. Is that understood?”</p><p>Ben finally uncovered his mouth and let out the laugh he’d been holding in. “Oh, come on! It was written by a Catholic! Drinking clearly isn’t a sin if a Catholic is writing about it.”</p><p>Maz stood up leaning on the edge of the desk, “Ha! Let me tell you something. Just because a Catholic writes something or does something or says something does <em>not </em>mean it’s right! Because we’re human beings, prone to make mistakes left and right.”</p><p>He knew he’d regret it, but he said it anyway because it was too good an opportunity to pass up: “That includes you, right Maz?”</p><p>Her jaw dropped, and after a moment she finally closed it, resigned: “Yes, of course it does.”</p><p>Ben raised an eyebrow at that. “And temperance is a virtue, right? Jesus drank wine, didn’t he? If he can, you can Maz. Don’t tell me you don’t go home and have a glass of wine every now and then.”</p><p>She pushed the book toward him. “<em>No</em>, I do not, because I’d rather not risk it. And Jesus was our Lord, and he never got drunk.”</p><p>“What’s this? Who never got drunk?” Father Qui Gon shuffled up to the desk, and his eyes lit up. “Ah! My book. Where did you find it?” He picked it up and admired the cover. What?”</p><p>Ben and Maz were staring in disbelief as they watched him turn the book over in his hands.</p><p>Maz stood up, grabbed the book out of his hand, and threw it into her desk drawer, locking it away.</p><p>“<em>Maz</em>” Father said. “I’ll need that back in my office before I leave.”</p><p>She huffed. “I want to look through it first Father. You never know about these books. They could be a door to darker things. And I wouldn’t want you to be led astray.”</p><p>Father shook his head. “I’m heading back to my office. Ben—excellent job. I think we’re done for the day.” He left them, and Ben stood there awkwardly with Maz.</p><p>“Well, young man. You heard him. You can go now. To do God knows what.”</p><p>He paced a little in front of the desk, peeking out the doors, wondering where Rey was. But he didn’t see her yet. He checked his watch. It was too early. He still had a few minutes. And he couldn’t stand here with Maz, so he decided to take a walk outside.</p><p>“I’ll be back Maz. I need to check on something.”</p><p>She grumbled, and he walked out the door, making his way around the building to the back. He’d not been back in the gardens before, and he was sure Rey would show him. But he had to get away from Maz. He needed time to think about what he would say to Rey.</p><p>He walked to the back of the property a little past the tree line, where he found a little babbling brook. There was a concrete bench there, so he sat down and sighed.</p><p>When Rey texted him, he was surprised. He never thought she would reach out to him so quickly. In fact, he was sure he would be the one to start the conversation. And that would be after a few days of chickening out.</p><p>Now he was fairly sure she liked him too. Especially with the way she looked at him after class last night. And he more than liked when she held his arm in her hands.</p><p>He looked out into the trees. The sun was setting, so evening was just beginning. The crickets were starting their little chirps, and the water was flowing quietly over the smooth rocks in the bed of the stream.</p><p>He was staring out into the pink and orange of the sunset when he saw a delicate hand dip into the water.</p><p>“Rey?”</p><p>She stood up in front of him and smiled, hazel eyes sparkling in the light of the sunset. “Hello Ben.”</p>
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